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“Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them,” Shakespeare once wrote—and he never witnessed the likes of Katie Couric and Paris Hilton. Or, for that matter, last week’s batch of they’re-not-worthy biopics and Biography episodes. At least the Other Hilton Sister seems content to postpone her date with destiny: “What were you doing that was so important at 20 years old?” Nicky bristled at her critics. “Like, back off!”

But Can They Sing?

Sunday at 10 p.m.

VH1

“I don’t speak very well English,” says “unique” Chinese actress Bai Ling, who faces more than a language barrier upon launching into a wildly off-key “Like a Virgin.” An eerily well-preserved Morgan Fairchild sways to the beat of Carmine Gotti Agnello singing Nelly, and Blue Power Ranger–turned–One Tree Hill–star Michael Copon tries his hand at Gavin DeGraw: “I don’t wanna be anything other than me,” croons the actor trying to win a singing contest.

Today

Monday at 7 a.m.

NBC

“Today’s hallmark has been its ability to…bring viewers breaking news as it happens,” boasts NBC about its flagship morning show. Case in point: Moments after the White House announces its latest Supreme Court nominee, Katie Couric busts into Rockefeller Plaza dressed in a Marilyn Monroe costume, lip-syncing “Diamonds Are a Girl’s Best Friend.” Next week: Matt Lauer does “I Wanna Be Loved by You.”

Trading Spouses

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Wednesday at 9 p.m.

Fox

A fiery fundamentalist and a Northeastern hippie trade places. “You look like Jesus, so I’m comfortable,” says the Bible-thumping, heavyset Marguerite to her shaggy-haired new “husband.” Back home, real-life husband Barry seems less than upset to have her gone: “I myself have only had one sexual partner in my life, and that’s my wife,” he says. “Not that that’s anything to be proud of.”

Madonna: Innocence Lost

Friday at 8 p.m.

Fox Movie Channel

“If you fail at doughnuts, you’ve failed at life!” hollers young Miss Ciccone’s Donut Cave boss in this unauthorized TV biopic. “This isn’t life!” screams the would-be superstar, who turns to nude modeling when the pastry-pushing just doesn’t work out. “You make love like a man,” compliments her first New York boyfriend, assuring Madonna that she has talents beyond doughnut-making.

Biography: Paris Hilton

Friday at 10 p.m.

A&E

“Whether we admit it or not, we [all] want to be Paris Hilton!” gushes Us Weekly’s Ken Baker some time after we’re informed that “Paris Hilton is an American original.” An elder family friend compares the young socialite to Audrey Hepburn and Grace Kelly, and E!’s Ted Casablanca notes that the heiress immortalized by a sex tape “knows just how much to give and how much to hold back.” —Mario Correa