You can’t sum up the past week in television any better than Doug Wilson did: “There’s cock everywhere!” marveled the home-makeover host on TLC. Even though Wilson was talking about a gay couple’s rooster-themed décor, he might as well have been referring to the most recent episode of Commander in Chief, on which we finally got to see Geena Davis give those monster lips of hers a real workout. That’s right, America, our first female president is indeed a W-O-M-A-N: She can bring home the pork barrel, fry it up in a pan, and never let Kyle Secor forget he’s a man.
Commander in Chief
Tuesday at 9 p.m.
Just because you’re the leader of the free world doesn’t mean you don’t have certain needs: “Mmmm, you are energized. I like that,” coos President Davis as the first gentleman/secretary of pillow talk begins to mount her. But all it takes is first daughter Amy’s barging into her parents’ bedroom to veto that particular initiative. “POTUS interruptus,” sighs the horny head of state.
Wednesday at noon (WBDC-TV)
Just in time for the holidays: DNA tests for the whole family. Terry, the eighth man tested for the paternity of Moyisha’s baby, is the latest to rejoice when Maury shouts, “You are not the father!” But it’s confused teen John who earns the hooting audience’s sympathy: “I’m 16. I’m in school. I shouldn’t have to worry about whether my uncle…is my father or not.”
The Oprah Winfrey Show
Wednesday at 4 p.m. (WJLA-TV)
When it comes to “Long Island Lolita” Amy Fisher, Jessica Buttafuoco doesn’t pull any punches: “The mall’s open, but no one’s shopping, that’s for sure,” snaps Joey’s tough-talking daughter. But mom Mary Jo has made peace with her attacker, prompting kudos from guest shrink Robin Smith: “[You’re] such a great model for women who are out in the world who haven’t been shot in the head.”
The Tyra Banks Show
Wednesday at 10 p.m. (WDCA-TV)
On “Drag Day,” straight man Keith, whose hobby is memorizing stadium seating capacities (“Staples Center, 20,755”) is transformed into “fierce, dragalicious” Miss Kiki. “Do I look fat in this?” the sports junkie asks. Vying for the title of America’s Next Top Tyra Impersonator, a trio of Banks look-alikes chew out an audience member in a simulated but thoroughly fierce “Tyrade.”
Celebrity Friends Gone Bad
Saturday at 10:30 a.m.
Look who’s feuding now: Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie, Tom Cruise and Brooke Shields, Shannen Doherty and everybody else. “Why exactly do they call you Posh?” supermodel Naomi Campbell reportedly asked first-division soccer mom Victoria Beckham. “Why exactly do they call you beautiful?” the ex–Spice Girl allegedly shot back. ¡Gooooolll! —Mario Correa