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Just in time for November sweeps, last week NBC gave us (a) a Poseidon Adventure remake that really was disastrous, (b) a curvaceous Patricia Arquette rendered in all three dimensions, and (c) a barely two-dimensional Lara Flynn Boyle going splat! from a rooftop. Consider it the struggling network’s way of proving that there are worse ideas than Joey. And don’t forget to give local affiliate WRC-TV props for helping: “Truly sweeter? Gummy-bear breast implants—tonight on News 4 at 11.”

The Poseidon Adventure

Sunday at 8 p.m.


There’s got to be a morning after—or at least a morning-after pill, ship masseuse Shoshanna must be thinking during sex with married passenger Steve Guttenberg. But she’s got bigger things to worry about once the ship flips over—such as the fact that Guttenberg’s wife is in charge of the distress call. “I can e-mail my Christmas list!” says the betrayed spouse, sending a “virtual mayday” and a warm holiday greeting

Las Vegas

Monday at 9 p.m.


“Don’t tell me that when you were in Iraq you didn’t have to sacrifice a few grunts for the overall good of the mission,” says a prescient Lara Flynn Boyle to Josh Duhamel, moments before a gust of wind blows her pencil-thin Monica Mancuso off the rooftop of the Montecito Resort & Casino. Next into the shit: Pvt. Joseph Tribbiani.


Monday at 10 p.m.


“The bizarre events in this evening’s…Medium cannot be confined to two dimensions,” says a “reanimated” Rod Serling, introducing an episode filmed partly in 3-D. And what could be more bizarre than Patricia Arquette sensing that her husband will spill coffee on his only tie—and then having to clean it up when he does? Good thing her father-in-law offers a solution from the grave: “Get him the one that’s in your bottom drawer that you’re saving for Christmas.”

The Biggest Loser

Tuesday at 8 p.m.


“Oatmeal?!” asks a skeptical Andrea when she hears that she can eat the high-carb breakfast food. “Yeah, you absolutely can—this is the Quaker Weight Control instant oatmeal!” says trainer Bob. And whaddya know? “The Biggest Loser is sponsored in part by new Quaker Weight Control instant oatmeal—let Quaker take weight control off your mind!” “What have you done today to make you feel proud?” chirps the show’s opening theme.

Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade

Thursday at 9 a.m.


“Will these classic candy men get out of this delicious dilemma?” Al Roker asks, referring not to the fact that a giant parade balloon has just sent a 30-pound streetlight crashing onto spectators, but to the craft’s cute M&Ms-falling-out-of-a-hot-air-balloon design. “Now,” Katie Couric tells viewers out of lamppost range, “because of today’s windy conditions…if we told you [the M&Ms] were not in a panic, we’d be full of hot air.”—