Sure, Nixon went to China, but did he have the balls to go on Letterman? No, that was Oprah, whose crazy-hyped Late Night appearance, 16 years in the making and more than 9 million extra viewers in the airing, made last week in television one for the record books. And speaking of the record books: Pat Robertson couldn’t contain his excitement over the record value of his stash of gold. (Down 10 points: close readings of that whole camel/eye-of-a-needle/rich-man/kingdom-of-God thing.) And then there was Bre, the mouthy America’s Next Top Model underdog who broke her own record for ballsiness when she cracked the semifinals: “I’m the fourth-baddest bitch in America!”

Jewelry Gifts

Sunday at 12 a.m.

Home Shopping Network

Host Connie Craig Carroll has a message for lonely women everywhere: “If you’re sitting at home, ladies, and you’re saying, ‘I’d love to have it,’” she soothes in the wee hours of the morning, “then go ahead—put [it] on your credit card.” But what if there’s a tightwad husband snoring down the hall? “Tell him tomorrow,” Carroll advises. “He will thank you.”

Barbara Walters Presents the 10 Most Fascinating People of 2005

Tuesday at 10 p.m.


Barbara Walters continues prying loose secrets from the stars: “Describe what it is like to be a has-been in this city, where if you’re not in, boy are you out,” she says to Teri Hatcher. “You just did,” replies the actress. “Finish this sentence for me,” Walters commands the King of Hiphop. “Kanye West is…” “Black,” West answers. So if he were a tree, that would make him…a black spruce? Oak? Um, walnut?

The Tonight Show With Jay Leno

Tuesday at 11:35 p.m.


“You seem…nice, fun, friendly—what caused the meltdown?” Leno asks Marguerite Perrin, the wild-eyed fundamentalist who famously lost it on Trading Spouses. “I was hungry! I needed a cookie!” screams the plus-sized Christian warrior, moments before Leno surprises her with an $870 Marguerite Perrin bobblehead from eBay. Just by coincidence, Alanis Morissette drops by to sing “Crazy.”

The 700 Club

Wednesday at 9 a.m.

ABC Family

The Rev. Pat Robertson proclaims the good news: “The good news is that my gold investments were [made] when gold was about a couple hundred dollars an ounce. [Now] it’s at 500.” But there’s more to the Lord’s work than giving sound investment advice: “Remember, you need time between sets,” Robertson tells a viewer in search of exercise tips.

Late Night With David Letterman

Thursday at 11:35 p.m.


Hey, if you’d just sunk a million bucks into a musical about rape and slavery, you’d bury the hatchet, too: “I want you to know it’s really over,” Oprah Winfrey tells a groveling Letterman, conveniently ending their long-running feud the same day The Color Purple opens on Broadway. Stupid Human Tricks will never be the same. —