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Forget expensive and embarrassing Internet dating, ladies—the answers to all your romantic woes can be found on television. Or at least they could last week. Never know how to grab a potential partner’s attention? Consider getting fitted for an earpiece that transmits pickup lines directly from Dr. Phil—one of the most fascinating people of, uh, 2002. Unable to keep track of your speed dates? Try a Project Runway computerized sweatshirt: Armed with a minicamera and a heart-rate monitor, it snaps a photo the second your ticker starts racing! Too complicated? Then listen to Party Party’s Justine, who reminded us of the only foolproof way to get lucky, at least with the guys: “For graduation, I wanted a boob job.”

Gastineau Girls

Sunday at 10:30 p.m.

E!

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Who says the Gastineau girls are shallow? In Season 2’s opener, socialite mom Lisa describes her busy summer: “Since last season I’ve been—what have I been doing? Let me see. I’m trying to think. I know I’ve been doing stuff.” Maybe the crew can help: “Do you guys remember what I’ve been doing?” she asks before launching on a search for a personal assistant.

Party Party

Tuesday at 9 p.m.

Bravo

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“Are you on the list?” Cherlynne asks a boy at the entrance to her daughter’s high-school-graduation party. “Bend over,” she instructs, checking out his rear. “Yeah, you’re on the list!” Emily, meanwhile, presides over a more traditional celebration: “Shut your mouth and drink it!” she orders daughter Christina after spiking the new diploma holder’s punch.

Dr. Phil

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Wednesday at 3 p.m. (WRC-TV)

Syndicated

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Just because the ol’ hidden-earpiece trick ends in wacky mix-ups in the movies doesn’t mean it will in real life, right? “You’re doing great. Look right at him!” commands the disembodied voice of TV’s baldest behaviorist, spoon-feeding lines to nervous first-dater “Wallflower” Wendy. “Wendy was a great conversationalist,” concludes her date, Michael, who has no idea he’s just gotten to first base with—oops—a guy named Phil McGraw.

Going Hollywood

Wednesday at 9 p.m.

TLC

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Aspiring filmmaker Ian gets an internship with Kevin Spacey: “This is about actually trying to help people move forward,” says the generous actor, moments before Ian is ordered to debone a chicken. “Are there people [in Hollywood] who…sell their soul to the devil? You bet there are,” Spacey suggests. And speaking of deals with the devil: Here’s hoping Spacey won’t take Ian on one of those late-night “dog walks.”

Project Runway

Wednesday at 10 p.m.

Bravo

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“I like to do stuff with wearable computers,” says math-geek-turned-fashion-hopeful Diana Eng. But not every aspiring designer is a brainiac: “Auf Wiedersehen,” says host Heidi Klum to sweet Alabaman Heidi Standridge, one of the first contestants eliminated. “I don’t know what that means,” the cheerful Southerner drawls, “but bye!” —Mario Correa