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Brokeback, Brokeback, Brokeback—what was a red-blooded American male to do for on-screen entertainment last week? Thank God for television, on which the dude of the house could still catch himself some good ol’ fashioned manly entertainment such as, um…the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy two-part wedding episode. Carson tried on a bridal gown! No? Then how about the McCormick Presents Earth, Wind & Fire Tribute on Ice? It had figure skating! OK, here’s one: Roker on the Road. Al ate another man’s cake! As Trappist baker Brother Barnabas promised, “there [was] lots of fruit.”

Miss Seventeen

Monday at 10:30 p.m.

MTV

The finalists spend a day working at Seventeen’s offices: “Would you like to sign a card for Whitney? It’s her birthday,” asks overeager Jessica. “I’m Whitney,” responds her annoyed colleague. Jen, meanwhile, gets to hold down the mag’s “personal shopper” line: “I don’t believe that Seventeen magazine is attempting to promote prostitution by having young girls in two-piece swimsuits,” she nervously reasons with a caller.

The Amazing Race Family Edition

Tuesday at 9 p.m.

CBS

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“The Black family was the first to be eliminated,” says host Phil Keoghan about the show’s only African-American contestants, the Blacks of Woodbridge, Va. And the last left standing? The Linzes, four A&F-model dead ringers from Cincinnati who, though quick on their feet, aren’t exactly trailblazers in the cultural-sensitivity department: “¡Andale!” says one to their French-speaking cab driver—in Montreal.

Queer Eye for the Straight Guy

Tuesday at 10 p.m.

Bravo

In the show’s big wedding episode, “culture vulture” Jai still gets the crap jobs: “I’m gonna stick around and get those invitations sorted out,” he says as the guys with better stuff to do pick out dresses, sample hors d’oeuvres, and “create gorgeous, luminous skin.” “Wait—did you know that there are more than 50 million items in the [New York Public Library]’s research collection?” he calls out to the others, who’ve already made a beeline for the library’s fabulous reception space.

The Ultimate Hustler

Thursday at 10 p.m.

BET

In the season finale of BET’s Apprentice knockoff, hiphop mogul Damon Dash picks his protégé: “If you’re gonna do it in an honest way and have some integrity wit’ it, y’know, I’m gonna roll wit’ you,” he says about choosing Brian, the finalist who previously stole money from him. “Holla,” agrees “my man Biggs,” Dash’s version of Carolyn.

McCormick Presents Earth, Wind & Fire Tribute on Ice

Saturday at 4 p.m.

NBC

Brian Boitano twirls himself into a tizzy atop a giant McCormick spices logo as a plump Philip Bailey delivers an ice-melting rendition of “Reasons.” “Now I’m craving your body,” he croons. “I’m longing to love you/Just for a night.” Hoo-wee! Sounds like somebody needs a good Zamboning. —Mario Correa