Why make those pointless New Year’s resolutions about losing weight and exercising when the “stars” of reality TV can make them for you? Last week alone, we could feast on both an ex–Cosby kid trying not to be Fat Albert and Tia Carrere waltzing away the baby weight. And if they weren’t inspiration enough, there was always Lisa Rinna: “The message I want to send is, You can do anything you want,” said the former soapster. And by “anything,” she meant Dancing With the Stars.

Celebrity Fit Club 3

Sunday at 9 p.m.


Don’t hate her because she’s bountiful: At 175 pounds, ex-model Kelly LeBrock proves that cupcakes are the great equalizer. Three-hundred-twenty-one-pound rapper Bizarre vows to lose “two pounds and a half,” and 181-pound ex–Vanessa Huxtable Tempestt Bledsoe gorges on chocolate cake and then complains that “the camera is cruel. They say it adds 10 pounds. It really adds, like, 15.”

The Flavor of Love

Sunday at 10 p.m.


“You know, it kind of reminded me of, like, a ghetto prom,” says sassy suitor Goldie of the 20-woman competition to win the hand of Flavor Flav. “Where everybody had the same date.” The aging “black-chelor”’s appeal? His massive ’piece, of course: “You have such a big clock,” coos contestant Sarah, admiring Flav’s trademark appendage.


Monday at 10 p.m.


“I write puta on there. ¡Puta!” says 3-year-old Mila, showing her mommy that she can spell the Spanish word for “whore.” As co-captain of Texas roller-derby squad Putas del Fuego, Mom should be proud of her daughter’s español—though her teammates’ is a little, um, loose: “Putas por vida,” says jammer/blocker Venis Envy. “Like, that’s for life.” “On the go? Use Vagisil medicated wipes!” suggests a sponsor that’s done its homework.

Dancing With the Stars

Thursday at 8 p.m.


“When I met Lisa, I knew right there and then we would have a big bondage,” says Dutch dance pro Louis van Amstel, who’s happy to be paired with one of “America’s greatest celebrities,” Days of Our Lives vet Lisa Rinna. Not so well-matched: Pro Ashly DelGrosso, who’s stuck with hulking rapper Master P. “Well, y’know, if Ashly be tough with me, I’m probably gonna break her fingers,” he warns.

Daddy’s Spoiled Little Girl

Saturday at 12:30 p.m.


“Oh my God, I’d love to be in the spotlight every single moment of the day!” gushes 19-year-old daddy’s girl/aspiring model Courtney, who boasts that her rich daddy is “the hardest business worker ever!” “Did you love me in my underwear?” she asks her pop after prancing onstage in her panties. “She’s the apple of his eye…the cherry on his sundae,” says an ad for the show.—Mario Correa