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I’m a married guy with a good job and a wonderful kid, and my wife’s a good woman. The problem? Sex. She rarely wants/needs it, and when I can get her in the mood it’s the same old, dull routine. Same position, I do all the work—she won’t even touch my dick!—and it’s over in 15 minutes.
I’ve tried talking about it with her, even counseling, but she’s very defensive. She claims that I am treating her as an “object.” She also claims she got adventure out of her system years ago. How nice for her. I never got enough. Never had a blowjob, never had intercourse in any position but missionary. I’m frustrated, angry, and desperate. I never wanted to cheat, but this has gone on for years and things just aren’t going to change.
Now—act surprised!—there’s an opportunity. This other woman is sexy, smart, and adventurous, and she has a very healthy libido. I want her; she wants me. The problem? She’s going to be leaving soon for a job in a new area. Part of me wants to go with her, but it would mean leaving my child. I should also mention that this temptress has gotten herself into trouble in the past. No arrests, but there’s a chance of past misdeeds or unstable old boyfriends coming back to haunt her.
I don’t want my child hating me forever, but I also want to be happy. What should I do?—Wondering If Love/Lust Is Enough
As the daughter of swingers, I used to be appalled by married people having sex with other people. But my marriage has sent me running for the dark side. The problem is that I am not running there with my husband: After having children, he unilaterally ended our sex life. And I am not a cow: I am still smoking hot and have even improved my body after the babies. I have written letters explaining what I need and worn thongs around the house. I have even told him that I cannot imagine being married to him forever if it’s going to be like this. He said that we have children now, and people with children don’t do that sort of thing!
I feel cheated, and like many people who feel cheated, I cheated. I know it’s wrong, but I was dying to fuck someone who actually wanted to fuck me. I am certain I will end up getting busted at some point (at least my parents were honest about fucking other people!), but I am having the best sex of my life and don’t want to give it up. On the other hand, my husband is a great guy and a great father. Can I dump an otherwise good man and break up my family just to pursue a life of debauchery? If so, how do I do this without making everyone hate me?—Full Swing
WILLIE and FS’s letters arrived on the same day.
I wish I could say that there was something unusual about that. I get letters every damn day from frustrated, desperate men and women who are married to people who are no longer—or were never—interested in sex. Sadly, most people in WILLIE and FS’s shoes only write to me after they’ve spent years enduring, begging, pleading, and cajoling. They write in after they’re married, after they’ve had kids, after they’ve started affairs—in short, they write when it’s way too damn late.
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Still, I have some advice for WILLIE and FS, and we’ll get to it in a moment. But first, some general observations—and let’s get the obvious ones out the way first: Isn’t it a shame that WILLIE and FS aren’t married to each other? And isn’t it too bad that WILLIE’s wife and FS’s husband aren’t a happily sexless couple?
And now, the bank-shot observation: In some instances, there may be mitigating circumstances—i.e., there may be a very good reason why a particular husband or wife is no longer interested in sex. For all we know, WILLIE doesn’t bathe or only speaks civilly to his wife when he wants sex. For all we know, FS supports the teaching of intelligent design or is Katherine Harris. But it’s not always the fault of the cut-off spouse. It’s a well-known fact that there are people out there who simply aren’t interested in sex and, judging from the mail, a whole lot of them married people who are.
It needs to be said that depriving a spouse of sex—or subjecting them to absolutely joyless sex in the hope that they’ll stop asking for any at all—is an act of emotional violence. And this brand of emotional violence not only creates frustration, anger, and desperation, but it also inevitably leads to infidelity, which all too often leads to divorce, broken homes, and traumatized children.
And who gets the blame?
The spouse who cheated, of course! Didja hear? WILLIE—a man with a wife and a child at home!—ran off with another woman! Oh, and FS—a woman with a husband and kids!—was sleeping with another man!
To all those folks out there who aren’t interested in sex: Getting married—or civilly united or shacking up or whatever—is like buying a cow. You know going in that you’re going to have to milk the thing. But unlike an unmilked cow, a spouse—male or female—won’t just stand there in a field and suffer. A spouse is a cow with a credit card, a job, and a car. If you don’t milk the cow you married, your cow has the means to go out and find someone who will. If you’re fine with that, for God’s sake tell your cow. If you lose interest in sex but want to stay married for the kids, friendship, or financial security, apologize to your cow and tell ’em you’ll do them the courtesy of turning a blind eye if they’ll do you the courtesy of being milked discreetly elsewhere.
OK, so what should you two do?
WILLIE: If you’re going to leave your wife—and in your blowjobless state, who could blame you (besides everyone)—the least you can do for your kid is stay in town. This other woman—the one with the potential legal problems and bad taste in ex-boyfriends—isn’t the only other woman on Earth. Leave your wife, find someone local, and get your dick sucked.
FS: Tell your husband what’s going on, and tell him why. Offer to stay with him and raise your kids together, if you can hack it. But just as he’s made it clear that being with him means no sex, you need to make it clear that being with you means semiregular cuckolding.—Dan
I’m a gay 22-year-old male, and my boyfriend is 24 and seems to have the lowest sex drive ever. He never initiates, and three out of the four times I do, he pushes me away. It’s gotten to the point that I don’t initiate anymore. He’s a great guy—sweet and perfect for me in every way except this. Cheating is not an option I would consider. However, I’m sex-starved over here!
—Boy Once Needed Erotics Daily
Once upon a time, cheating was not an option WILLIE or FS would have considered either, BONED. Get the hell out while the getting out is good.
ASKING & TELLING: Advice poured in for In Love Yet Afraid, the gay soldier who wanted to know what to do about his crush on a fellow soldier. Read what soldiers, sailors, airmen, and marines had to say to ILYA by going to www.thestranger.com/savage/youasked.
Dan Savage’s new book, The Commitment: Love, Sex, Marriage, and My Family, is on sale now. Send your Savage Love questions to firstname.lastname@example.org.