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It’s fair to say that television really went to pot last week. Victorious-life advocate Kenneth Copeland taught us how to flush our spiritual blockage at his West Coast Prosperity Overflow Convention. Joan Rivers, doing time on the TV Guide Channel, admitted that her career’s gone down the toilet. And The View’s Star Jones Reynolds characterized the War on Terror as a pissing contest. So much excretionary language was enough to tax even the sturdiest of digestive systems: “My blowhole is exhausted,” noted Rivers.
Believer’s Voice of Victory
Sunday at midnight (WDCA-TV)
Is your “spiritual system” feeling a little backed up? Kenneth Copeland has the answer: “Start flushing all that old stuff out of there,” he says. “It won’t come out all at one time.” But be careful what you wish for: “You may be just walking down the road somewhere and…you’ll say, ‘Dear Lord!’” warns this advocate for prayer in public restrooms.
The 63rd Annual Golden Globe Awards
Monday at 8 p.m.
Scoot over, Rosa Parks: “That is so fitting on the weekend where we honor the memory of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.,” gushes Queen Latifah, connecting the civil-rights struggle to her latest flick’s opening-weekend box office. “May Dr. King’s dream and all our dreams continue to come true!” But not necessarily in that order.
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Golden Globes Fashion Wrap With Joan & Melissa Rivers
Tuesday at 10 p.m.
TV Guide Channel
“Welcome back to our 19—no, I’m sorry—our 2006 Golden Globes Fashion Wrap,” says Joan Rivers, not quite at the top of her game. Daughter Melissa suggests that the Globes attract “the cream of the crop,” but Mom has a different view: “And sometimes the cream of the crap,” she says. “That’s why we’ve been in business for 11 years.”
Skating With Celebrities
Wednesday at 9 p.m.
That Dorothy Hamill haircut has finally paid off: Bruce Jenner, still looking like a transvestite, skates beautifully with Tai Babilonia. Hockey fan and ex–Full House star Dave Coulier gets paired with Nancy Kerrigan but faces his own dick/chick challenge: “Would you rather have a hockey stick in your hand or Nancy?” asks one of the judges.
Thursday at 11 a.m.
Visualize world piss: “At some point, one of these men has to put it back in his pants and zip up the zipper,” says Star Jones Reynolds of the Bush–bin Laden conflict. 60 Minutes vet Meredith Vieira disagrees. “I don’t think this was about somebody whipping it out,” she argues, also noting that “it’s always a mistake” to “have sex in front of an animal.” —Mario Correa