Last week, TV gave us the ultimate collision of self-aggrandizement, self-deception, and good ol’ self-interest. And no, I don’t mean Hugh Hefner’s three girlfriends appearing on CNBC. It was President George W. Bush playing down his ties to embattled money man Jack Abramoff—in a news conference that segued right into The Price Is Right. No wonder those Girl Scouts on Commander in Chief saw fit to speak their minds: “We like it more with a girl president,” they said.

The Flavor of Love

Sunday at 10 p.m.


Flavor Flav’s eight aspiring girlfriends try to win over his elderly mother: “My name is Tika. It’s Ethiopian,” one contestant says sweetly. “It means ‘joy in the place of sorrow.’” But never mind Ethiopia—Mama Flav’s the one starving now. “Oh, [say] that again,” she tells Tika. “I was busy looking at that biscuit.”

American Idol

Tuesday at 8 p.m.


“If I sound good, will you come and dance with me?” says hunky contestant Sgt. Steven David Jr. to a swooning Paula Abdul. “I’m not allowed to,” bemoans the Judge Who Didn’t Sleep With Corey Clark. But not everyone’s eager to cuddle up: “She old as hell!” screams rejected contestant Rhonetta of Abdul. “She ain’t made an album in about 20 damn years!”

Commander in Chief

Tuesday at 9 p.m.


She may complain about all the “tawdry, disgusting glad-handing,” but President Geena Davis isn’t above strong-arming business associates: “So—are we clear?” she demands of a group of Girl Scouts. “Yes, ma’am,” says their leader, confirming an executive order of “six boxes of Peanut Butter Puffs” and “two boxes of Vanilla Delights.”

Presidential News Conference/The Price Is Right

Thursday at 11 a.m.


Jack Abramoff, come on down! “I can’t say I didn’t ever meet him but…you know, I meet a lot of people,” says Dubya during a presidential news conference that pre-empts several minutes of The Price Is Right. “Now he’s decided to flip-flop,” says host Bob Barker of a contestant in one of the show’s more popular games. And the actual retail price of presidential access is….

The Big Idea With Donny Deutsch

Friday at 10 p.m.


Finally, financial advice that everyone can understand: “The reason I don’t have any career goals is because I don’t have to—my boyfriend’s really rich,” says guest/Hugh Hefner “No. 1” girlfriend Holly Madison. “Kendra’s going to massage school,” says No. 2, Bridget Marquardt, offering evidence that Hef’s current companions aren’t just “bimbos”—and giving Deutsch the perfect chance to plug his new book, Often Wrong, Never in Doubt. —Mario Correa