When it comes to finding a boyfriend on television, Rick Santorum is right: It takes a family. Y’know, folks like mother Marcy, who talked up her son’s manhood on Date My Mom. Or father Mike, who steered clear of cross-dressers on the matchmaking Parental Control. Or stepmom Virginia, who delivered a rousing defense-of-marriage act on The Bachelor: Paris. But it was loving wife/adult-film actress Savanna who must’ve brought the biggest tear to Santorum’s eye last week: “I think it takes a very special man to be able to handle the fact that his wife is a porn star,” she said.

Secret Lives of Women: Women in Porn

Monday at 2 a.m.

We

Whatever happened to “Have a nice day at the office, dear?” “Be nasty, and go to work,” says Daniel to his porn-star wife, Savanna, who makes “it a rule not to deprive my husband of sex just because I’ve had it all day long.” That, and she always remembers to call home from the set: “I’ve got to go now,” she tells him. “I’ve got to do the twins.”

Parental Control

Monday at 5:30 p.m.

MTV

“So what makes a woman sexy to you?” controlling parent Mike asks his daughter’s potential suitors. “I’m not really big on boobs like you,” answers one, sneaking a peak at Mike’s missus. “I love to shop. I love dancing. I love to wear women’s clothes,” says another, who’s probably not much of a breast man, either.

Date My Mom

Monday at 6 p.m.

MTV

It’s what every mother dreams of: finding her son a guy who’s just the right—er, fit. “Make sure you ask him whether he’s the burger or the bun,” says Jared to matchmaking mom Marcy. “What are you?” she says back to him. “I gotta know so I can pick the right sandwich.” Well, he’s certainly not a vegetarian: “Your mom guaranteed me that you had a really big winkie,” says Jared’s date.

The Bachelor: Paris

Monday at 9 p.m.

ABC

“Can I ask something?” Moana’s preachy stepmother, Virginia, says to bachelor Travis. “How do you find this whole arrangement? Because frankly, I’m just disgusted with…the undermining of the home and marriage and family.” Wait. Does she mean choosing a life partner on TV—or the fact that she has to share airtime with her husband’s first wife?

Next

Saturday at 3 a.m.

MTV

“Jason…didn’t take the time to get to know me,” huffs aspiring Laker Girl Ashley, who doesn’t much like spending her date with the civic-minded guy painting a stupid Boys & Girls Club. Maybe Candace can better appreciate Jason’s focus on early intervention: “I’ve only had one boyfriend,” she says. “He’s in jail.” —Mario Correa

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