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No wonder nobody bothered to watch those boring ol’ Olympics last week: Brigitte Nielsen was on Flavor of Love. Even the IOC must have been impressed with the way the episode “brought people together in peace to respect universal moral principles”—especially the principle that your ex can’t date anyone better than you. And speaking of peace, how about Paula Abdul on Dr. Phil? “He made me forget that I am a judge on American Idol,” she said of her blind date, who apparently transported her to a perfect world the rest us can only dream of.

Flavor of Love

Sunday at 10 p.m.


“Who’s been sleeping in bed with Foofie?” demands Brigitte Nielsen before exercising an ex’s right to administer polygraph tests to her would-be successors. “Are your boobs real?” she quizzes one. “Have you seen…Red Sonja?” she harangues another. “I just want you all to know, Gitte is no joke,” says Flav, defending the original Danish cartoon.

Secret Lives of Women: Sex Trade

Monday at 3 a.m.


“I don’t see how…people pay the amount that they pay for her to beat them like she does,” says Marine Staff Sgt. Quentin Brown, speaking not of war-weary taxpayers and Lynndie England but of well-heeled BDSMers who employ his wife, Natasha, as a dominatrix. “I made $10,000 with my very first Bedazzler!” boasts a well-timed commercial, providing another extra-income option for the metal-stud set.

There & Back

Monday at 10:30 p.m.


“Listen, I’ll tell you my thought process,” says former O-Town member Ashley Parker Angel, who’s caught by his fiancée’s mother wiping his ass in her kitchen. “No toilet paper to be found? Boom! Paper towel.” And Mom may not be the only one who gets a load of shit: “[The ring] is real,” he tries to convince us. “I bought it before O-Town broke up.”

Dr. Phil Primetime Special: Love Smart

Tuesday at 9 p.m.


“I’ve allowed too many people into that intimate—that private thing,” says Paula Abdul to Dr. Phil, who boasts of his “rare invitation inside Paula Abdul’s home and heart” (but not her “thing”). “Are you good being alone?” Abdul asks Keith Anderson, the country star whom Dr. Phil sets her up with. “I beg for alone time,” he answers.


Friday at 4:30 p.m.


“I may be a science geek, but I want to be made into a breakdancer,” says self-described “nerdy Asian kid” Jason. But can a guy who’s wasted his school years studying finally turn his life around? “I don’t know what to say. I’m pretty aggravated, though,” says B-boy Mr. Freeze of his charge’s decision to forgo a night of breakin’ so he can sleep before the SATs. —Mario Correa