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Justice has a name, American television viewers learned last week—and no, it isn’t Anna Nicole Smith. It’s Dancing With the Stars winner Drew Lachey, who picked up that big ol’ glitter ball just a week after his ass-covering network decided his ass-covering Brokeback joke was too hot for the West Coast feed. The Bachelor: Paris runner-up Moana, alas, was sent home ball-less. “I feel like such a fool,” she said of Travis’ decision. Yeah? Well, try dancing the pasodoble.

Dancing With the Stars

Sunday at 8 p.m.


It’s the finale of Extreme Makeover: Career Edition. “It’s very hard to put into words what this whole Dancing With the Stars experience has meant to me,” says Lisa Rinna of her cha-cha back from oblivion. “Life-moving,” says wrestler/Big Momma’s House 2 bit-parter Stacy Keibler. “It’s an ugly trophy, but you still want to win it,” adds champ Lachey, the former 98 Degrees star more recently familiar with absolute zero.

#1 Single

Sunday at 10 p.m.


Are there no nice, straight Jewish boys left for 30-something chicks like Lisa Loeb? “I would go out with [your] best boyfriend, maybe,” says a male store clerk whom she approaches. “[This is] where I come [with] all the New York JAPs I date,” says actual date Jay, who also tells Loeb’s special-ed-teacher sister that “helping people is boring.” So that’s what she meant by trying “to give away a keeper.”

The Bachelor: Paris

Monday at 9 p.m.


“I think he should pick ’em like eenie, meenie, miney, mo. So then it will be fair,” says Travis’ tike of a niece, Whitney, of the two remaining finalists. Well, that’s probably a better method than whatever one Travis is using: “I choose you,” the ER doc says to Sarah S., the kindergarten teacher who explained her feelings for him by noting, “I always set goals for myself.”

Style Me With Rachel Hunter

Monday at 10 p.m.


It’s not easy being preened: “I’m Rachel Hunter, and it’s my job to look great. Period,” says the not-quite-former Mrs. Rod Stewart of her quest for a new stylist. And who’s gonna bring her a broken arrow if not Franco, the Puerto Rican portrait photographer intent on winning this week’s challenge? “I’m very confident,” he says. “And my depression went away.”

Beauty and the Geek 2

Thursday at 9 p.m.


Reason can never prove the existence of God, Kant said. Nor, apparently, can it divine the nature of J.Lo’s bling: “I have no idea, but I don’t think any amount of reasoning is gonna help us out,” says MIT grad Ankur, who has to identify Ben Affleck’s engagement gift to stay in the game. “I don’t know East and West, but I know that,” says partner Jennipher, proving that transcendental idealism does apply to pink diamonds. —Mario Correa