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Television has the power to move mountains, it reminded us last week. Like the boulders jiggling around the tennis court on The Real Housewives of Orange County. Or the painful piles freed by the Dual Action colon cleanser on We’s morning infomercials. And yet not even TV proved capable of moving the rocks inside Bruno’s head on Black.White.: “The thing that I have frustration with is the black culture blaming, you know, the whole slavery thing,” he said.
America’s Funniest Home Videos
Sunday at 7 p.m.
Forget Esperanto—the real international language is Dad’s taking a shot in the balls. “We’ll show you part of the clip,” says host Tom Bergeron to Kim Kilby, the visiting ex-host of “our sister show, Australia’s Funniest Home Videos.” “Then you, Kim, have to decide whether the person is about to be hit in the—” “Head, gut, or groin!” interrupts Kilby.
The Real Housewives of Orange County
Tuesday at 10 p.m.
Wisdom is passed from one generation of trophy wife to another: “Make sure you have a straw [for your water] so your lipstick doesn’t come off on the tennis court,” says sage, siliconed Kimberly to the much younger Jo. How can Jo possibly repay the favor? Maybe with “Kimberly is pretty much one of the most fit women I’ve ever seen—for a woman of her age who’s older, has had kids, has been around.”
Wednesday at 10 p.m.
White guy Bruno continues his voyage of racial discovery: “I’m going to be an open-minded student today,” he says proudly of his plan to interview a “successful” African-American. “How long can you continue to play the race card and come from a place of pity instead of…[going] out in the world [so] you can get a job?” he asks—but, you know, open-mindedly.
Thursday at 9 a.m.
“John Wayne when he died…[had] 44 pounds of undigested fecal matter stuck in his colon,” says colon-cleanser infomercial pitchman Klee Irwin from the set of the phony Health News Network. “Let’s make it clear—he’s not talking about this Duke here,” says “host”/paid endorser Duke Liberatore, pointing to himself. Heaven forbid: a pitchman full of shit.
Thursday at 9 p.m.
“There’s something about the amputated foot on the breakfast table. It’s just leaving me cold,” says judge Mary Lou Quinlan about a rubber foot-shaped preserves dispenser called the Toe Jam. Maybe she’ll find another amputated body part more appealing: “It’s the Perfect Pet Petter,” says aspiring inventor Anthony Steffen, whose mechanized plastic hand loves your dog so you don’t have to. —Mario Correa