We know D.C. Get our free newsletter to stay in the know.

The world’s greatest deliberative body isn’t housed under that stately dome on the Hill, TV showed us last week. It’s housed on NBC! That’s right—The Apprentice, where no less than a United States senator saw fit to filibuster reality contestants. And if that smells just a tad unseemly, just get a whiff of those meanie Dems on Commander in Chief, who actually concocted a strategy to drug the president’s husband. Democrats with a strategy? Hey, it’s television.

Wife Swap

Monday at 8 p.m.


“I truly believe with all my heart that true love really does wait,” says “squeaky-clean” swapped mom Lori, handing a promise ring to her new “wild-child” daughter, Alaina. But true love doesn’t have to wait when you’ve got broadband: “Y’all are…making me out to look like a frickin’ slut!” carps Alaina, who apparently didn’t promise to wait before posting seminude pictures of herself on the Internet.

The Apprentice

Monday at 10 p.m.


“It’s a pizza! It’s a sandwich!” chirps contestant Charmaine in support of the show’s latest product placement, 7-Eleven’s mutant P’EatZZa Sandwich. And who better to motivate a bunch of shills than Mr. Self-Promotion himself, Chuck Schumer? “When you wake up Monday morning,” the senator asks, “do you feel in the pit of your stomach [that] you want to go to work?” No, but I still feel that P’EatZZa!

Commander in Chief

Thursday at 10 p.m.


It may not be an agenda, but it’s a start: “An employee of the DNC…is alleged to have encouraged a young intern to place an illegal substance in a drink of…Rod Calloway,” says the committee’s chair, apologizing for his party’s having slipped the first hubby a roofie. “I remember when this was once a great party—a party of ideas,” Calloway chides him, showing off his excellent memory.

Honey We’re Killing the Kids!

Friday at 10 p.m.


“With the latest state-of-the-art computer technology, I can offer you a projection of how your kids might look in the years to come,” says nutritionist Lisa Hark to the junk-food-obsessed Young family. But it takes the specter of Billy Ray Cyrus to really scare ’em straight: “The Youngs have just seen a terrifying vision of…their future,” says an announcer over images of one of their kids not only fattened but wearing a mullet.

Back on Campus

Saturday at 10 p.m.

ABC Family

“Every freshman has to do five hours of community service,” explains civic-minded mom Charlene, who’s gone back to school alongside her party-hearty daughter. And boy, must she be proud of the self-sufficient adult little Julie has become: “What—these people can’t make their own food?” bitches the hungover senior as she’s made to prepare meals for housebound people with AIDS. —Mario Correa