The world’s greatest deliberative body isn’t housed under that stately dome on the Hill, TV showed us last week. It’s housed on NBC! That’s right—The Apprentice, where no less than a United States senator saw fit to filibuster reality contestants. And if that smells just a tad unseemly, just get a whiff of those meanie Dems on Commander in Chief, who actually concocted a strategy to drug the president’s husband. Democrats with a strategy? Hey, it’s television.

Wife Swap

Monday at 8 p.m.


“I truly believe with all my heart that true love really does wait,” says “squeaky-clean” swapped mom Lori, handing a promise ring to her new “wild-child” daughter, Alaina. But true love doesn’t have to wait when you’ve got broadband: “Y’all are…making me out to look like a frickin’ slut!” carps Alaina, who apparently didn’t promise to wait before posting seminude pictures of herself on the Internet.

The Apprentice

Monday at 10 p.m.


“It’s a pizza! It’s a sandwich!” chirps contestant Charmaine in support of the show’s latest product placement, 7-Eleven’s mutant P’EatZZa Sandwich. And who better to motivate a bunch of shills than Mr. Self-Promotion himself, Chuck Schumer? “When you wake up Monday morning,” the senator asks, “do you feel in the pit of your stomach [that] you want to go to work?” No, but I still feel that P’EatZZa!

Commander in Chief

Thursday at 10 p.m.


It may not be an agenda, but it’s a start: “An employee of the DNC…is alleged to have encouraged a young intern to place an illegal substance in a drink of…Rod Calloway,” says the committee’s chair, apologizing for his party’s having slipped the first hubby a roofie. “I remember when this was once a great party—a party of ideas,” Calloway chides him, showing off his excellent memory.

Honey We’re Killing the Kids!

Friday at 10 p.m.


“With the latest state-of-the-art computer technology, I can offer you a projection of how your kids might look in the years to come,” says nutritionist Lisa Hark to the junk-food-obsessed Young family. But it takes the specter of Billy Ray Cyrus to really scare ’em straight: “The Youngs have just seen a terrifying vision of…their future,” says an announcer over images of one of their kids not only fattened but wearing a mullet.

Back on Campus

Saturday at 10 p.m.

ABC Family

“Every freshman has to do five hours of community service,” explains civic-minded mom Charlene, who’s gone back to school alongside her party-hearty daughter. And boy, must she be proud of the self-sufficient adult little Julie has become: “What—these people can’t make their own food?” bitches the hungover senior as she’s made to prepare meals for housebound people with AIDS. —Mario Correa