I feel like chicken tonight, ABC execs must have been thinking as they rolled out their second full week of sweeps. The main course? A heaping portion of hysteria in the form of Fatal Contact: Bird Flu in America. “Washing your hands thoroughly—those are the kinds of common-sense precautions everybody should be taking,” the flick’s Stacy Keach told us. So that explains David Blaine: Drowned Alive: If he can’t astound and amaze us, maybe the world’s most thoroughly washed illusionist can at least outlive us.

David Blaine: Drowned Alive

Monday at 8 p.m.

ABC

“David Blaine will attempt to hold his breath for a record-breaking, excruciating nine minutes,” says a somber announcer. We will attempt to pass off clips of old card tricks and visits to Evel Knievel as a brand-new show for the remaining 111, he forgets to tell us. “I ask that you not try this yourself,” the “magician” says, hoping to preserve what little oxygen is left in the brains of any surviving fans.

Fatal Contact: Bird Flu in America

Tuesday at 8 p.m.

ABC

“Human cases [of avian flu] have been very limited and have resulted in approximately 125 deaths,” notes the pre-film disclaimer. “We’re all gonna die!” screams a victim moments later, firing a bullet into his head. Wait, but didn’t you just say—“Governors…have been meeting with the…director of FEMA,” reassures a health official. On second thought, hand over that gun.

The Real Housewives of Orange County

Tuesday at 10 p.m.

Bravo

The pampered housewives encounter the unthinkable: a Latina who’s never heard of Pledge. “Did you really not know?” an astonished Lauri asks the Peruvian-born Jo. “How long have you lived in the United States?” demands Vicki. As they say in Orange County: “America—dust it or leave it.”

The Tonight Show With Jay Leno

Thursday at 11:35 p.m.

NBC

Here’s a great way to use that big-house phone call: “Didn’t you call in to support [American Idol contestant Chris Daughtry]?” Leno asks Lost star Michelle Rodriguez, recently released from jail for a drunk-driving offense. “I feel like I could do more for the community…on my own,” says the civic-minded celebrity, explaining why she opted for the slammer rather than face community service.

Good Morning America

Friday at 7 a.m.

ABC

“These are people who are accustomed to being admired who were in the position to now admire each other,” says the relentlessly admirable Oprah Winfrey, describing her Legends Ball. And what would a tribute to 25 outstanding African-American women be without—wait. Sister Sawyer? “I’m not a sister wannabe or anything?” asks invitee Diane. “I’m an actual sister?” —Mario Correa