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What kind of a world are we living in, anyway, where a presidential address on immigration has the power to bump Oprah Winfrey’s Legends Ball? Or where those stingy execs at NBC can find it in their hearts to give us only three hours of Will & Grace? C’mon—how many guest stars can you squeeze into that?! No wonder Chris Hansen was in such a huff on this week’s Dateline: “There seems to be a lot of bad judgment in the air,” he said.

The 700 Club

Tuesday at 11 p.m.

ABC Family

“[Muammar al-Qaddafi] told our good friend Dick Armey…[that] when he saw the pictures of what happened to Saddam Hussein…all of a sudden he got religion,” gloats televangelist/shadow Secretary of Defense Pat Robertson. And whaddaya know—the Christian soldiers have finally located a weapon of mass destruction, too: “God is the bomb!” gushes colleague Kristi Watts.


Wednesday at 9 p.m.


“You’re naked….You’re chasing a cat around. You’ve got Cool Whip,” says correspondent Chris Hansen to a man who’s been lured by the prospect of underage sex. “Of course, the reason we’ve been doing these stories over the past few weeks is to bring home to families the real dangers predators pose on the Internet,” clarifies host Stone Phillips, May-sweeps-ing away suspicions of less noble intentions.

Paid Programming

Saturday at 8:30 a.m.


“How insecure are you with Social Security?” asks an announcer for 4X Made Easy, the software package that helps nervous savers become confident foreign-currency traders. And hell, if you’re throwing caution to the wind anyway, why not go along for the ride yourself? “You have to be able to trust [4X] just like I believe in my paraglider,” says skydiver Jamie in a product testimonial. “That when I walk towards that cliff edge…it’s going to fly me.”

Tiara Girls

Saturday at 11 a.m.


Don’t let anyone tell you different—it takes looks and brains to be a beauty queen: “I was reading in your local newspaper of the recent school-board decision about abstinence,” says a pageant coach to Miss Val Verde, Texas, hopeful Brenda. “What are your thoughts on that?” “I would say, just try to convince students to talk to schools [about] why they’re absent so much,” says Brenda abstinence-mindedly.

My Super Sweet 16

Saturday at noon


Why play music when you can hook the kids on “stars” like this: “This is my Beyoncé moment,” says self-proclaimed “divo” Bjorn, strutting down the red carpet at his fashion-themed sweet-16 party. And who might our little Beyoncé be crazy in love with? “Bjorn is known for being the best-dressed person in, like, the world,” he says. —Mario Correa