As if the world had been turned on its side, nothing on television last week seemed right. Donald Trump wasn’t nearly the vainest guy on The Apprentice. Alan Thicke proved there are worse gigs than Growing Pains. And even Star Jones Reynolds made some sense on The View. With the natural order so upended, no wonder a bunch of middle-aged beauty contestants had such hope for the future: “That way we can live a happy world and happy life and happy marriage and happy,” proclaimed Mrs. Bolivia during the Mrs. World 2006 pageant. “Everybody happy!”
Mrs. World 2006
Sunday at 5 p.m.
“You ever think how a really cruel interpreter could completely sabotage somebody’s chances?” asks host Alan Thicke, chortling about this low-rent pageant’s reliance on amateur translators. But hey, what’s the worst that could happen? “What have you done!?” screams a producer at a woman who’s just crowned the wrong winner. “Mrs. Russia won! Not Mrs. Costa Rica!”
Monday at 10 a.m.
Martha Stewart teaches viewers how to make delicious candy apples—and navigate treacherous prison relationships. “We’ll call her Shaniqua,” she says of a fellow inmate who wouldn’t turn down her hip-hop. “I turned the speakers around so that they would blast into the wall.” But lest viewers try this in their own cells, M. Diddy has a word of warning: “That’s a little dangerous to do.”
The 2006 NCLR ALMA Awards
Monday at 9:30 p.m.
Hips don’t lie—but award shows just might. “The final results were placed in sealed envelopes and revealed on tonight’s show,” says a disclaimer at the end of the American Latino Media Arts Awards. Then that makes Shakira bonita and clairvoyant! “Thank you so much for this once again,” the no-show says in a taped acceptance speech for her award for Outstanding Female Musical Performer.
Monday at 9:30 p.m.
“This is when I really have to shine and show my true colors,” says hard-charging Sean of the show’s final challenge. And how does the Donald’s would-be protégé prepare for his big moment? “Could you just give me some good-luck hair gel?” he asks a saleswoman. “I can run it through my hair right now.”
Tuesday at 11 a.m.
“The administration can multitask,” insists co-host/Federal Marriage Amendment fan Elisabeth Hasselbeck of Dubya & Co.’s ability to juggle the twin threats of al-Qaeda and gay weddings. And hell, if homosexuals can’t get hitched, at least they can get shot: “They don’t care [now] if you’re running around in a dress,” notes Star Jones Reynolds, referring to the Pentagon’s sudden lack of concern about gays in the military. —Mario Correa