Fans of a certain Ford-era flick about a news anchor who loses it on the air probably never expected to see the real thing. But thanks to basic cable, MSNBC viewers got to witness the better half of Weekends With Maury & Connie having her very own Network moment this week, sending off her canceled show with a farewell so whacked it would’ve made even Howard Beale squirm. “You have American eye. I have Chinese eye,” Chung mumbled in a fake Chinese accent—and that’s before things got weird.

How to Get the Guy

Monday at 10 p.m.

ABC

“In the city of San Francisco,” “love coach” J.D. Roberto tells four skeptical single gals, “there are more than three-quarters of a million people—and over half of those are guys!” “How many like women?” one of the ladies demands to know before they meet these so-called prospects. “Are you, like, a bouncer?” Michelle asks a potential mate. “I’m not a bouncer,” he answers. “I’m not that high up.”

Washington Journal

Wednesday at 7 a.m.

C-SPAN

If you liked her in Moonstruck, you’ll love her on Washington Journal! “I just was so lucky [to get through], because you hear people say, ‘I’ve been calling for three years,’” says policy wonk Cher, discussing her late-night C-SPAN habit during a rare in-studio appearance. “She is the real thing,” insists Operation Helmet founder Bob Meaders of the new troop-safety advocate/veteran plastic-surgery victim.

Commander in Chief

Wednesday at 10 p.m.

ABC

Geena Davis, your show just got canned—what are you gonna do now? “We’re going to amend the Constitution!” says the lame-duck TV prez, using her final episode to, of all things, resurrect the Equal Rights Amendment. “There are all kinds of fun and easy ways to volunteer,” says the newly unemployed Davis in a particularly well-timed public-service announcement.

Dateline

Thursday at 9 p.m.

NBC

Without that lightweight Katie Couric to distract him, Matt Lauer can finally sink his teeth into some real news stories: “Do you think perhaps the breakup with Justin was…when you started to sense the tide turning a little bit in your life?” he asks a gum-chewing Britney Spears. And just in case anyone on the Peabody committee is watching, the veteran newsman delivers a hard-hitting follow-up: “What is it about Kevin that makes you love him?”

Weekends With Maury & Connie

Saturday at 10 a.m.

MSNBC

“Thanks for the memories,” sings a wildly off-key, glittery-gowned Connie Chung, lying atop a piano and bidding her career—er, her show—adieu. “Now that the show is through/I’ve got bigger things to dooo,” wails the writhing anchor. “This is the real farewell,” says proud husband Maury, introducing his once-trailblazing wife’s televised self-immolation. —Mario Correa