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Shaw

Pastor

Elder Wendell M. Green

Assistant Pastor

Elder Walter D. Roman

Attendance

about 50

Service Length

about two-and-a-half hours

Sample Worshipper Dress

white suit, white tie, brown shoes, Panama hat

Suggested Marks of Beast

microchips, bar codes

Radio Broadcasts

Sundays at 4:07 a.m., WTOP-FM

Congregational Fervor

A recent Church of God sermon began with a 15-minute blessing worthy of Ferris Bueller–era Ben Stein. “Bless the sick; bless the incarcerated; bless those addicted to drugs and alcohol,” droned a deacon before he exhausted the blessings he could bestow on physical objects. Undeterred, he continued on to the nonmaterial: “Bless all that is said in Jesus’ name; bless this testimony…”

Food for the Soul

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“The world is controlled by an illuminati,” explained Roman during a sermon that addressed the passing of 6/6/06 and the approaching end times. “They allow war and suffering to take place in order that people will accept the Antichrist,” who, he said, could arrive in any number of forms. “These days trillions of human voices can be stored in a computer,” warned Roman. “That computer can talk! That could be him!”

Food for the Body

A gold dish of candies was made available to departing dads in honor of Father’s Day. Nondads were left to fend for themselves.

Overall Worship Power

Two-and-a-half hours can be a long time to sit still, even in the service of the Lord. Luckily, the Church of God’s Happy Times newspaper comes packed with games and puzzles to help pass that last hour of testimony. This month’s “Holy Bible Quiz” included such scriptural stumpers as “Why did Adam name his wife Eve?” and the fill-in-the-blanks “The glory of young men is their ___: and the beauty of old men is the ___ ___.”

—Aaron Leitko