City Paper is not for tourists
A sure sign of the summer doldrums: The most amusing thing on TV last week was a show about sewing. But if you don’t consider seeing a woman wear a vinyl stool on Project Runway much in the way of entertainment, you can always dream about the edge-of-the-seat fun you might have had in a past life: “You were bit by a spread-head cobra in a life in the Amazon when you belonged to a tribe,” psychic Sylvia Browne told an audience member on Montel.
Wednesday at 10 p.m.
“I think everyone is having to do some serious editing of the objects they grabbed from the room,” says contestant Robert, tasked with making an outfit out of ordinary household items. “Because a hanging plant might not make it into your runway look.” But then again, if it’s coordinated with the right table setting…. “Tim had asked me to…incorporate more stuff from the apartment into the dress,” says Keith. “Like a place mat.”
The Simple Life: ’Til Death Do Us Part
Thursday at 2 a.m.
Sure, he freed the slaves—but could he fit into a size 0? “I have to do an oral report about a figure,” little Valerie Padilla tells surrogate “mom” Nicole Richie. “Like Abraham Lincoln?” asks Valerie’s brother. “No, like a famous person!” Well then, how about somebody who’s fighting an uncivil war? “How do you say ‘bitch’ in Spanish?” Richie snarls when the tykes ask her about ex-pal Paris Hilton.
Master of Champions
Thursday at 8 p.m.
“I’ve learned so much from so many extraordinary teachers that I think it’s time to give back to the kids,” says champion figure skater Lucinda Ruh. “It was a good spin, but she lost the toilet paper too early,” says co-host Lisa Dergan-Podsednik, commenting on Ruh’s attempt to give back by covering herself in two-ply at world-record speeds.
The Tyra Banks Show
Friday at 9 a.m.
Turns out there is something more painful than catching Céline Dion’s Vegas show—catching it during her period. “You have your headaches and your, whatever, girl stuff goin’ on in dere,” the “greatest singer in the world” confesses to Tyra. And speaking of catching things, better steer clear of Dion’s husband: “You want to make a lot of babies from [our] love, because…it’s so contagious,” the diva gushes.
The Montel Williams Show
Friday at 4 p.m.
Just because you want to see dead people, it doesn’t mean dead people want to see you. “My grandfather passed away a couple of years ago—does he come around and see us?” a bereaved teen asks “psychic and spiritual teacher” Sylvia Browne. “Yeah…maybe once a month,” Browne explains. “Some [dead people] are busier than others.” —Mario Correa