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When it comes to the lumbering corpus of the publishing industry, there’s no healthier organ than the one that craps out volume after volume of reeking political opinion. One can only shudder at the thought of what might be clogging up the pipeline now. The hotly anticipated follow-up to Dear Socks, Dear Buddy: Kids’ Letters to the First Pets? Bill O’Reilly’s 101 Amazing Loofah Techniques?

Whatever lies in wait, it can’t be worse than the partisan poop that’s already been dumped on us this year. Each week, it seems, some author detaches from the woodwork to chuck two cents at George W. Bush, collect a check, and run off into the forests of obscurity. Even the Fearless Leader acknowledges his role as Muse. “It really gets me when the critics say I haven’t done enough for the economy,” he cracked at the 2004 White House Correspondents’ Dinner. “I mean, look what I’ve done for the book publishing industry. You’ve heard some of the titles. Big Lies, The Lies of George W. Bush, The Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them. I’d like to tell you I’ve read each of these books, but that’d be a lie.”

Well, same with us. We’d like to say we’ve read the latest agitprop by Palast or know what that guy from M.I.T. is whining about now…no, we can’t even go that far. We don’t know of anybody who reads these books. Outside of D.C., that is. Here, people actually seem to appreciate them. Well, a heads-up to all you wonks-in-training: If you’re planning to hit the beach before Congress reconvenes on Sept. 5, you’re only going to have time to consume one of these ugly babies. To save you the trouble of choosing the relative best of the bunch, we’ve done the deciding for you via careful analysis of cover design, blurb content, and type size.* Check out the following bracket to find out which Bush book is so very close to worth reading.

*We did not read most of these books.

SURPRISING INSIGHT

Foxes in the Henhouse: How the

Republicans Stole the South and the Heartland, and What the Democrats Must Do to Run ’Em Out

by Steve Jarding and Dave “Mudcat” Saunders

“[M]obile home construction in the United States has boomed…while we have no problem with mobile homes…we do have a problem when Bush stands up and says this housing is evidence that he is helping people achieve the American dream.”

Duck! The Dick Cheney

Survival Bible

by Gene Stone

Cheney’s not so unsavory, historically. After picking the wrong horse in the Civil War, VP John Breckinridge had to flee the country in a small boat. “Twenty-eight days later, covered with insect bites, swollen from too much sun and seawater, he landed in Cuba.”

BLAME AMERICAFIRST

Imposter: How George W. Bush

Bankrupted America and Betrayed the Reagan Legacy

by Bruce Bartlett

Get a load of these chapter titles: “The End of Serious Policy Analysis,” “The Worst Legislation in History?” (referring to the GOP’s Medicare prescription-drug bill), and “On the Budget, Clinton Was Better.” Speaking fondly of a Democratic administration? Bartlett clearly hates America.

100 Ways America Is Screwing Up

the World by John Tirman

Tirman craps on his country in fine fashion: SUVs cause war (No. 52), gangsta rap has ties with war crimes (No. 56), Christmas is for consumer whores (No. 86). But five kvetches are just rephrases of “Oil is bad.” We’ve been shorted four ways!

HAIKU ROUND

“We will in fact be

Greeted as liberators.”

Or possibly not

GOP pissed offSocial Security livesWho wants some Depends?

Doughy. Showy. Big Lebowski?

Is that a cigarette burn on your lip?

WHERE ARE THE WMD?

“The weapons of mass destruction was man himself.” That’s right—it turns out we invaded Iraq to terminate a giant metaphor. You’d be wise to pay better attention in English class. Now see page 258 and “GET OFF THE MESSIAH’S BACK!”

So no WMD, eh, George? “I’ve made some big decisions in my first term….And whether people agreed with them or not, I hope that they saw me as a person that was thoughtful and willing to stand by the decisions.” No one’s questioning your, er, standbywillingness.

THE WORD ON THE BLOGS

Laura Bush: An Intimate Portrait

of the First Lady

by Ronald Kessler

With his breathless descriptions of her de la Renta dresses and sorority pajama parties, Kessler practically turns FLOTUS into a FLILF, which is just fine with AZ Eyes’ Craig Matteson: “We come away feeling comfortable with our admiration for her and realize that she is an even better person than we had suspected,” he writes.

The Messiah: The Chosen One:

Republican: Hon. George W. Bush, President of THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

by William “Bill” Smatt

From Joseph Cannon’s Cannonfire: “Back in 1982, the Smatt clan…became the target of an investigation (‘Operation Nimbus’) by FBI agent Darlene Novinger, who claimed that evidence linked the clan with drug smuggling. Novinger…also believed that ‘Poppy’ Bush and Jeb Bush were involved [with the smuggling].”

CHARACTERISTIC ADJECTIVES

Can She Be Stopped? Hillary

Clinton Will Be the Next President of the United States Unless…

by John Podhoretz

the candidate you most dread…liberal…leftist…left-liberal…shrill…insistent…self-righteous…angry…smart…electable…pathologically unsexy…hard-to-describe…not especially likable…dislikable…antifeminine…horrendous…kind of robotic…hard…cold…steely…prickly…bitch

Strategery: How George W. Bush

Is Defeating Terrorists, Outwitting Democrats, and Confounding the Mainstream Media

by Bill Sammon

breathtakingly audacious…informal…uncharacteristically subdued, even grim…famously tongue-tied…momentarily stunned…fiercely competitive…entirely consumed with presidential duties…always in command…proud Texan…jazzed…determined…patient…impatient…unapologetic…licked…undaunted…clearly moved…splayed…the nation’s undisputed maximum leader

The Messiah: The Chosen One: Republican: Hon. George W. Bush, President of THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

by William “Bill” Smatt

Every expectation for good readin’ that the name “Smatt” conjures up is fulfilled, and then some, by the 75-year-old Miami Beach author. The man perhaps put too much Smatt into writing the 260-page, self-published, pink-and-blue Messiah; he speaks to a reporter from a hospital bed, “fighting for my life to stay alive so that I can promote the book.” Smatt is surely joking, for this is a book that needs no promotion. From its premise that George W. Bush was anointed by God to teach the world to love—and kill some fucking terrorists, too—to its tableau of tomatoey photographs of friends of the administration, Smatt’s labor of love is not something readers will want to cut and run from. There’s action: Bush hunts down the WMD like “a Sherlock Holmes, seeing not just what is there, but what is not there.” There’s metaphor: “Like termites, terrorists exist in the dark and eat away at your foundation.” And there’s a chart laying out how many drinks Ted Kennedy downed the day of the Chappaquiddick affair. Proceeding from “visions from the angels of God,” Smatt’s book, his second, took a year and a half to complete (the first, A Millionaire’s Cocaine Encounter, hints at an early interest in Bush). For research, Smatt says he went to “the Internet, the Bible, everything you can think of.” His investigations lead to some shocking revelations, such as the never-before-known sexual tendencies of Terrorist No. 1 (“Osama Bi-Laden”) and the hidden hilarity of the World Trade Center attacks (“Many may have thought it was the sequel to ‘Airplane,’ the movie.”). The Divine Agent has already ordered Smatt to get started on Volumes Two and Three. “[Bush] is the Messiah,” he says. “A lot of people know it, and a lot of people will find out more about it.”CP