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What a surprise this week when a little blond blow-out in a rhinestone-cowboy suit reentered our lives. Welcome back, JonBenet! Had her showbiz career continued, just think of what might have been: JonBenet getting canned by Janice Dickinson, JonBenet battling Bootz and Payshyntz for Flavor Flav’s affection, JonBenet hanging with Hef and his concubines. Oh well. If John Mark Karr beats the rap, maybe he can host next season’s The Girls Next Door.
The Girls Next Door
Sunday at 9 p.m.
“When Hef pulls us into a meeting,” playmate/girlfriend No. 1 Holly explains, “you know it’s going to be something important.” Surprisingly though, Hef doesn’t want to discuss the Middle East situation but rather the girls’ upcoming pictorials. Playmate/girlfriend No. 3 Kendra decides she’s going to make history with a football theme: “Who has ever done the Heisman Trophy pose naked before? Nobody.” Not even Roger Staubach?
Flavor of Love
Sunday at 10 p.m.
If you want Flav’s attention, a lap dance will do the trick. “I couldn’t get up because Lil’ Flav was at ten-hut!” proclaims the diminutive rapper. But some of the girls have strong opinions about who Lil’ Flav should stand down for. “I want Somethin’ to go home because she pooed on my man’s floor,” demands the incontinence-hating Bootz, apparently not appreciating Somethin’s life-imitates-art statement.
Monday at 9 p.m.
While Kathy aims to teach her new family “good morals,” shopaholic Melissa instructs her adopted brood “to always look good.” Kathy’s husband, David, however, wishes Melissa’s maternal instincts were more Donna Reed than Tara Reid. “You’re walking around with your breasts hanging out. Come on,” he says.
The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency
Tuesday at 10 p.m.
It’s trim-the-fat day at the agency. “You will be dumped, all of you, if you don’t improve drastically in the next 13 seconds,” snarls a stressed-out Janice. Several models are given the stiletto boot, but lucky for them, this highly traumatic event is treated with the compassion and empathy it warrants. “There’s the door. Have a nice life,” the diva waves to crushed Sorin.
Criss Angel Mindfreak
Wednesday at 10 p.m.
The Mindfreak becomes the Blindfreak when Criss attempts to drive celebrity pal Mandy Moore’s car blindfolded. “It is very dangerous when you drive a car blindfolded,” says Criss, displaying his uncanny ability to perceive the blatantly obvious. But Criss isn’t just worried about safety—he’d also like to protect his driving record. “Can I trouble you to put my seat belt on?” he asks Mandy. “I don’t want to get a ticket.” —Jay Dyckman