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Summer’s over—time to stop whoring around and settle on that adequate someone who’ll help pass the long, cold months ahead. And television was there to help last week, with everything from blind dating to group dating to Harold and Maude–style carbon dating.

Flavor of Love

Sunday at 10 p.m.


“My breakfast [date with Flav] was so charming,” boasts amateur pole dancer Nibblz. “I made an impression [on him] with my openness and my realness—and…my stripper skills.” Turns out rival Toastee makes quite an impression herself, thanks to some pix of her porn-star past that surface on the Net. “Girl got her fingers where our girl fingers ain’t supposed to be,” yelps a disgusted Like Dat. “Unless you washin’!”

Million Dollar Listing

Tuesday at 9 p.m.


“This sale had the potential to put a lot of strain on my relationship with Jeff,” says L.A. real-estate agent Shannon, who has the good sense and professional ethics to represent not only her ex-fiancé in the sale of his home but also the walk-in who tries to buy it. And while the tight-faced sales shark seems baffled when the deal implodes, would-be buyer Farrah is a little more sanguine. “I learned that it’s not good to have an agent who is [in] a personal relationship with the seller,” she notes wisely.

Secret Lives of Women: Robbing the Cradle

Tuesday at 10 p.m.


“If I lived in the Middle East…I would not have been charged with anything,” says middle-aged wife/convicted sex predator Susie. “Because it’s almost expected [there] that the young man’s first sexual experience is going to be with an older woman.” And what teen wouldn’t want to boink an old lady when you get perks like this: “She was real good about taking him to movies and the skate park and Six Flags,” says Judy of her grandson’s statutory rapist.

Blind Date

Wednesday at 4 a.m.

Syndicated (WDCW-TV)

“Have you ever been on…a date that you wanted to end immediately?” asks belligerent, foul-mouthed Ray of sweet social worker Katie. “Yeah,” answers the horrified woman instantly. Meanwhile, smooth-talking Ira, who likes to call himself “I-Rock,” finds his date just a tad less forthcoming. “Are those real?” he asks of her ample bosom. “They’re real because I picked them,” she snaps.


Wednesday at 4:30 a.m.

Syndicated (WDCW-TV)

“I chose you because you were pretty much the only one who was paying attention to me,” Hawaiian vixen Nani tells suitor Mike, explaining the high standards that have led her to whittle down the four-housemate date to just him. And boy, does their future look promising: “It’s not like we’re going to let her in the house,” says rival housemate Chris. “I mean, she eliminated three out of four of us. Come on—let’s be real.”—Mario Correa