Master of Ceremonies

the Rev. Olivia Hunter

Homilist

the Rev. Marcus Capone

Attendance

about 35

Crystal Drone Bowls

3

Vibrational Healing Session With Novalite 3000

$25

Congregational Fervor

At a recent service, many attendees expressed their jubilance through such hymns as the Tom Jones classic “Try to Remember.” The song’s lyrics, which long for a time when “nobody wept except the willow,” might have explained the Kleenex boxes placed on each pew. However, the tissues were more likely provided for seasonal-allergy sufferers. As Hunter directed worshippers to “breathe in slowly” during a guided meditation, she was met with a chorus of snorts and wheezes from the highly congested congregation.HHHHH

Food for the Soul

“Can you remember a time when your youthful exuberance was crushed?” Capone asked ominously as he began his homily. Capone could: He related a personal anecdote about not touching a piano for 10 years after being scolded by his father. He then asked the congregation to think about what negative rules and behaviors they had unconsciously accepted due to the influence of others. “It’s not spiritual to stay stifled,” mused Capone. “Can you remember yourself before the real you was trained out of you?” HHHHH

Food for the Body

A post-service fellowship hour featured coffee cake, cookies, carrots, watermelon, and dry-roasted peanuts. HHHHH

Overall Worship Power

The Institute for Spiritual Development hosts roughly a half-million volts of worship power, all housed within the Tesla coil of the congregation’s Novalite 3000. This vibrational healing device is based on the theories of inventor Georges Lakhovsky (d. 1942), who believed that by exposing sick or damaged cells to the vibrations of an oscillator, the cells would be restored to full health—sort of a New Age “Magic Fingers” bed. HHHHH

—Aaron Leitko