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Forget Katie Couric—the week’s most arresting vagina monologue belonged to Rosie O’Donnell, who wasted barely a moment on her maiden View voyage before diving into chatter about her private parts. But the week’s biggest plunge belonged to the ladies of Bride Vs. Bride, who exposed us to “the greatest event ever captured on television: the bridal cake dive.”

Behind the Camera: The Unauthorized Story of Diff’rent Strokes

Monday at 8 p.m.

NBC

“Damn it!” an embarrassed, 16-year-old Gary Coleman howls at his rich white “dad.” “I’m too old to be climbing into your lap every week!” Dana Plato, meanwhile, relishes her time in the lap of would-be felon Todd Bridges—a harbinger of good judgment to come. “Yeah, hi,” says a befuddled video-store clerk to a police dispatcher. “We were just robbed by the girl from Diff’rent Strokes.”

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The View

Tuesday at 11 a.m.

ABC

“Like it or not, here I come!” warns attention-fiend/newly minted co-host Rosie O’Donnell, licking her chops at the sight of her helpless colleagues. Lucky for them, Rosie’s ditched the angry-lesbian shtick in favor of playing it warm and, er, fuzzy. “I take a bath with [my daughter],” she tells them. “[She] always looks at me and says ‘When am I getting my fur?’”

Maury

Tuesday at 1 p.m.

Syndicated (WDCW 15)

“MAN!! WOMAN!!” scream confused audience members as Maury taunts them to divine the sex of what are either terrific drag queens or unlucky women. In the case of ballroom dancer Sonya—man, she feels like a woman! “Guys, if you think I’m super-hot, it’s OK!” announces the handsome, 6-foot-2 guest. “I’m a girl!”

CBS Evening News With Katie Couric

Tuesday at 6:30 p.m.

CBS

“This is the CBS Evening News With Katie Couric,” intones Walter Cronkite, introducing a broadcast stuffed with Suri Cruise baby pix and the wisdom of Morgan Spurlock. A stern-faced Couric, looking supersized herself in a tight white jacket, keeps things relevant by focusing on national-defense issues: “The [Suri] photo shoot…was top-secret, and the [Vanity Fair] article was completed in an undisclosed location under heavy security,” she notes ominously.

Bride Vs. Bride

Wednesday at 11 p.m.

We

“We’re going to have one special event for our two lovely brides,” says host Evan Farmer. “We’re going to throw them into a giant, 12-foot wedding cake where they will claw their way towards the possibility of winning a Jamaican honeymoon!” And hey, maybe one of them will even make it out alive. “I was so exhausted,” pants survivor Jillian. “I thought I was going to die in that cake.” —Mario Correa