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While millions tuned in last week for Survivor’s newest season, “Eugenics Island,” Dancing With the Stars took the prize for racially minded programming: Tucker Carlson’s loss to Jerry Springer definitively determined who the whitest man in America is. Disappointingly, Carlson refrained from heaving a folding chair at Springer or tackling the old man to tear out his weave.
Tuesday at 10 a.m.
“Do you think Dave Letterman would be on my [corporate] board?” America’s favorite homemaker/convict asks an audience of New Jersey housewives. Clearly, Martha’s stint in the joint has taught her to trust the advice of the shareholders. This approach backfires when the cadre of tracksuits sitting before her offers zero assistance in her latest gift dilemma: “What do you give a Rockefeller?”
Dancing With the Stars
Tuesday at 8 p.m.
Playing the part of lamppost to his partner’s Fred Astaire, conservative pundit Tucker Carlson sat frozen in a chair for most of his cha-cha performance. “It looked like you were sitting on a toilet,” sums up unimpressed judge Bruno Tonioli. As interpretive dance, however, it was a triumph, as Tucker’s protracted squat and eventual spastic flailing were a perfect metaphor for a career headed straight down the crapper.
Wednesday at 9 p.m.
Matt Lauer tries to point out the obvious to cradle-robber Debra LaFave: “You say you’re a modest person, yet you’ve had sex in a car with a 14-year-old while his cousin is driving.” But poor Debra thinks she’s paid the price for her predatory ways. “Mothers would hold their children tightly when they saw me,” sniffs the biggest threat to the suburbs since GM issued a minivan recall.
Thursday at 1 a.m.
In the battle against sex addiction, irony is often the first victim. “Some men order pizzas online, I order men,” says Robin, forgoing the pizza delivery-boy joke just begging to be made. But it’s recovering sex addict Sean who epitomizes the classic highs and lows of this affliction. “I’ve acted out with a beautiful woman in Beverly Hills,” he says, “and then two hours later acted out with a homeless woman on the beaches of Santa Monica.”
Breaking Up With Shannen Doherty
Thursday at 10:30 p.m.
It’s a story as old as time itself: girl meets boy, girl lives with boy, girl dumps boy on TV courtesy of a meddling ’90s teen-drama star. And having been told about 10 years ago by the entire country that “we’re just not that into you,” Shannen Doherty knows just what to say to Bryly’s freeloading boyfriend Nick: “It’s just not working.” Fingers crossed that Nick has better luck on Rebounding With Tiffani-Amber Thiessen. —Jay Dyckman