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Not since his late-night truck-stop tours has Jim McGreevey gotten around so much. Shilling his tell-all book, the disgraced ex-gov trolled for sympathy on everything from Today to Oprah. But when it came to shmucks who deserved a kick in the ass, none held a candle to To Catch a Predator’s Gerald: “Perhaps we could go boot shopping!” the shoe fetishist urged his “underage” decoy.

The Oprah Winfrey Show

Tuesday at 4 p.m.

Syndicated (WJLA-TV)

“I’d never been in a gay relationship that was…more than a couple of hours long,” says ex–New Jersey governor/commitment phobe Jim McGreevey. But poll-tested lingo—that’s something he can sink his teeth into: “Why did you say, ‘I’m a gay American’? Why didn’t you just say, ‘I’m gay’?” Oprah quizzes him. “Because I’m proud to be an American!”—where at least I know I’m free to do it on the Turnpike.

Seeing Stars

Tuesday at 10 p.m.

TV Guide Channel

“Al, [the storm’s] getting worse!” hypnotist Ricky Kalmon tells John, a kitchen-counter installer who, in a trance, believes he is Al Roker. “It’s windy! It is freezing! I wish I was fat!” the man screams at startled pedestrians. Victim Arné, meanwhile, is made to think she actually is fat, and consequently laps up a bowl of whipped cream. “I don’t even like whipped cream,” she later says, dismayed. “I’m lactose intolerant.”

Celebrity Duets

Thursday at 9 p.m.

Fox

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Judge/doll purveyor Marie Osmond keeps forgetting she’s supposed to be the Nice One: “[Your voice has] kind of this, um, Marilyn Monroe quality,” she tells contestant Lucy Lawless by way of a compliment. “You know, was she the world’s best singer? I don’t think so.” But take heart, Xena—at least Judge Chucky didn’t say you sucked worse than Twisted Sister: “When Dee [Snider sings] he actually has a note with the scream,” Osmond tells Hal Sparks, panning his “We’re Not Gonna Take It.”

Dateline: To Catch a Predator

Friday at 9 p.m.

NBC

Well, this proves it: Some people will do anything to get on television. “Yeah, I know what this is,” says a would-be predator and regular Dateline viewer who’s walked into Chris Hansen’s well-worn trap. “I just wanted to test it, that’s all.” And what a perfect time for Hansen to do a little market research himself: “Do you think it was a good show?” he asks another busted To Catch a Predator fan.

Mrs. America 2006

Saturday at 8 p.m.

We

“There’s this table…set out with all these babies that have dirty diapers,” says Mrs. Alaska, describing one of the preliminary talent competitions. “And we’re asked to change the diapers as fast as we can.” And who can blame the ladies of this middle-aged pageant for feeling, well, a little slack: “I have saggy tips!” complains Mrs. New Hampshire, dressed in her winter-themed costume. “TIPS! Snowflake tips!”—Mario Correa