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I’ve been dating a wonderful guy for four months. He’s 41; I’m 37. We enjoy each other’s company immensely; we laugh a lot, and he fucks like a champ—definitely a keeper. The issues I have with him are manageable, but I don’t know how to broach these subjects: He has a dental bridge that looks like it’s in serious need of a change. He also uses his floor as his closet, and his apartment isn’t always tidy. I’m not sure if I’m being judgmental and superficial. I think he’d be even finer than he is if he fixed his teeth and cleaned his house. How do I bring this up without offending him? Should I bring it up? Thanks.
—Just That Into Him
Go ahead and bring up the bridge right away, JTIH, as he’s probably not all that sensitive about it. More like he, like so many straight men, is just a little oblivious to his personal appearance. And as to the condition of his apartment—the mess, the clothes all over the floor—have you considered picking up after him? Not now, of course, at four months. You’re still just dating. But if this gets serious and you move in with him, JTIH, you can solve his cleanliness issues by, you know, cleaning for him.
Shhh. Do you hear that rumbling sound? That’s a million angry women and 25 feminist men pounding out angry e-mails to me. “It was extraordinarily sexist of you to suggest that this woman clean up after this man,” tap tap tap, blah blah blah. “I had to check the cover of the paper to make sure I wasn’t reading Christianity Today! For shame, Mr. Savage!”
I may be extraordinarily sexist, but suggesting that one half of a couple take the lead on housekeeping isn’t conclusive proof. This is because my comments aren’t motivated by misogyny but by my own personal experience in long-term relationships—and none of my LTRs have involved any “gyny” for me to “miso” on. Take, for example, my current LTR. My boyfriend does my laundry, shops for me, and cooks for me. I don’t expect him to do these things for me because he’s a woman. He’s not a woman—he’s got an absolutely ginormous cock. He does these things because he’s good at them, while I’m bad at them—and he actually seems to like taking care of me. I like taking care of him, too: I move things, kill things, and pay for things.
So if my ginormous-cock-having boyfriend can pick up after me, JTIH, I wonder why lovely-vagina-having you can’t pick up after your guy? I mean, think about it: If things work out and you fall in love and you move in and get married or whatever, what are you signing up for? The both of you? To take care of each other, right? Well, he clearly needs someone to take care of making dentist appointments and straightening up. What do you need? How will he—how does he—take care of you? Does he cook? Does he fix your car? Does he do your taxes? Does he knit you sweaters? If there’s some semblance of balance, if there’s cheerful reciprocity, then why not do his damn laundry?—Dan
I’m a GGG woman, and I’m fat. I don’t have a problem with my fatness and neither do the guys I have been with. However, I do have a problem with this: I can find tons of men who want to fuck me, but none who want to date me. All the boys I find are willing to worship me in the confines of the boudoir, but out in public they act like they don’t want to be seen with me. I’m not even asking for PDA—I generally dislike PDA—but hanging out and occasionally going out after sexing it up would be grand. Are all fat-girl-loving guys pussies?
—No More Dater Haters
Not all, NMDH, but almost all of the young ones.
Until about, oh, age 30 or so, most men aren’t secure enough in their own sexualities—and I’m talking about 100 percent heterosexual guys here—to do or say anything that might out themselves to their friends as anything other than “normal.” Guys who wanna wear panties or tie up girls or get pissed on can pursue their kinks without having to reveal anything about their sexuality to their friends. So long as they date girls who are either completely discreet or just as fearful of exposure, their secrets are safe. But a guy into fat women isn’t so lucky—if he’s seen with you in public, NMDH, he’s going to have some explaining to do.
This completely pansy-assed fear of not being perceived as “normal” results in many straight men dating, and in some tragic instances marrying, women their friends find attractive—or so they assume—and not women they themselves find attractive. But there’s only so long a man can go on boning Nicole Richie when what he really wants is to bone someone your size. Eventually these guys come to the realization that a lifetime of sexual frustration is a high price to pay for “normal” cred.—Dan
The thing you missed about Jason Fortuny’s Craigslist experiment was that he was posting as a submissive woman. It doesn’t take a load of kinkiness to be turned on by that. What straight male doesn’t fantasize about having a sexy female slave? In other words, Fortuny wasn’t against people with fetishes, he was against males with such a banal, straightforward fetish. He was baiting the natural chauvinist tendencies in his fellow males.—Paul B.
Wow—was I wrong! Jason Fortuny isn’t a shit-smeared asshole that invaded the privacy and potentially ruined the lives of dozens of men. No! Jason Fortuny is the Fantasy Thought Police, to say nothing of fantasy judge, jury, and executioner. And now that Officer Fortuny has made an example of men into submissive women (so banal!), he can move on to punishing women with rape fantasies (so common!), fags into cops and firemen (so cliché!), and lesbians into, er, whatever it is that kinky lesbians are into (so squishy!).
Sorry, PB, I’m not buying it. Not all men into BDSM—even as tops—are chauvinist pigs. There are tons of misogynist males out there into strictly vanilla sex. (Don’t believe me? Ask a female friend—if you have one.) There’s no rhyme or reason to most people’s fantasies; there are submissive male misogynists, cracker racists—male and female—into black cock, and desperately homophobic pole smokers.
There’s just no excuse for Fortuny’s actions—none whatsoever.—Dan
I’m a 30-something gay male who’s attracted to married men. I haven’t acted on my desires due to the fact that willing married men are so hard to find, and, really, how do you approach one? I am seeking your personal expertise. Where do you find married men who want to experience a little of the “other” side?
—Want Married Dick
Hmm. I have no experience with married dick—not the straight variety, anyway—so my “personal expertise” in this instance is limited. But I understand that a Web site called Craigslist is absolutely crawling with married men hunting for cock. Some of these married men, I’m told, are straight. So go for it, WMD, but be careful out there—you never know when Officer Fortuny is going to be conducting one of his “stings” on banal fantasies, and yours is about as banal as gay fantasies get.
Dan Savage’s new book, The Commitment: Love, Sex, Marriage, and My Family, is on sale now. Send your Savage Love questions to firstname.lastname@example.org.