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Clearly no man over 50 needs an AOL account. Rep. Mark Foley should have taken a cue from swingers Alex and Ellie and screened potential mates at the local Applebee’s. And in turn, that libidinous yet rambling couple could’ve benefited from the Florida Republican’s direct IM approach, cutting to the chase by asking, “Do I make you a little horny?”

Flavor of Love

Sunday at 10 p.m.

VH1

Either Bootz is lying about being abstinent or she’s in dire need of a dictionary. “I think she needs to find out what the definition of celibacy is, because that girl looks like she’s spreading it to the world,” snipes contestant New York. Abstinence-never advocate Flav apparently believes her, however, and makes this Bootz walk right out the front door. “Call me when you get sick of these hos,” she whispers, gamely thinking Flav might still be interested in a night of Jenga and hand-holding.

Two-a-Days

Wednesday at 10:30 p.m.

MTV

“Every bit of the ridicule you took after getting your butt beat, when you pound on their butt tonight, you think about that,” growls master motivator and high school football coach Rush Probst. But isn’t that illegal in Alabama? Luckily the team has other sources of inspiration, such as its dyslexic cheerleaders. “How do you spell sweet?” asks perky Blair. “Because I didn’t want to write, ‘Revenge is Sweat.’”

The Secret World of Swingers

Thursday at 2 a.m.

VH1

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In the world of swinging, it’s important that a couple share the same objective. “I’m just hoping we all get along,” says Ellie on the way to meet a new duo. “And laid,” emphasizes loving husband Alex. For J.P. and Mika, it’s also about finding some common ground with prospective couples. “I’m not particularly into anal,” asserts a potential swapmate. “Me neither!” shrieks Mika.

Child Star Confidential

Thursday at 8 p.m.

E!

Suffering the tumultuous changes of puberty is never easy. For former child star Soleil Moon Frye, blossoming on screen led to a breast reduction after being called “Punky Boobster” one too many times. Onetime Pee-Wee’s Playhouse occupant Natasha Lyonne, however, found other means of coping with the twin pressures of fame and hormones. “She’s not an animal beater,” swears Lyonne’s father, after his little girl is arrested for threatening a neighbor’s dog.

Vanished Twins

Thursday at 9 p.m.

Discovery Health

“When I moved the hair, I thought I saw a face,” winces surgeon Akhmet Turgonov, recalling the large cyst he removed from a boy’s abdomen—a twin brother, limbs and all. But even though most “vanished twins” don’t gestate to the size of a football, Discovery Health isn’t about to prevent countless viewers from probing their own stomachs in horror. “The truth,” warns the narrator, “is that as many as one in eight of us started out as twins.” —Jay Dyckman