Whatever they’re paying Julian McMahon, it’s not enough. The Nip/Tuck star had a sex scene with guest thespian Rosie O’Donnell this week, all but guaranteeing that he’s the hardest-working man in showbiz. And yet, as TLC’s 99 Most Bizarre: Self-Inflicted Injuries taught us, even romancing Rosie is easier than waging the War on Drugs. “One Florida DEA agent,” an announcer told us, “shot himself in the leg while lecturing a class of students on gun safety.”

The Bachelor: Rome

Monday at 9 p.m.

ABC

“Prince William doesn’t have anything on Prince Lorenzo Borghese,” crows Gina of her would-be husband, the Italian-born cosmetics exec/vaguely “royal” new Bachelor. But how does a lowly commoner woo a man whose noble accomplishments include going to college in Florida and managing the Royal Treatment Pet Spa? “I wore my tiara hopefully to kind of get his attention,” says crafty Erica.

House of Carters

Monday at 9 p.m.

E!

“I just want to bring you guys back together because I’m tired of being apart,” says ex–Backstreet Boy Nick Carter, playing head of household to four rowdy siblings still coping with their parents’ divorce. And how else to lead a big, dysfunctional clan if not by example? “Person who says, ‘Not it’ doesn’t have to clean the table!” he yelps. “Not it!”

America’s Next Top Model

Wednesday at 8 p.m.

The CW

Believer Monique takes a break from perusing her Bible poolside to reflect on her fellow contestants. “All these girls,” she sermonizes “…are bitches and ho’s, s’all I gotta say.” But who cares about them anyway, since Monique has the one gift that’s bound to make any aspiring model a star: “You come across as just completely vacant,” judge Twiggy tells her.

Dancing With the Stars

Wednesday at 8 p.m.

ABC

“You’ve seen [pro] Ashly DelGrosso dance with Joey McIntyre, Master P, Harry Hamlin, and me,” says host Tom Bergeron. “Well tonight, she performs with the real ‘A team’: her sisters Amber, Autumn, Afton, Averie, and Abrea!” And if a troupe of stormin’ Mormons and their jazz hands doesn’t put the fear of God into the competition, the pressure to look good will. “Even I got a spray tan!” says High School Musical’s Monique Coleman. “I mean…I’m a black girl!”

99 Most Bizarre: Self-Inflicted Injuries

Thursday at midnight

TLC

“Instead of bringing a flashlight with him to see how much gas was in the can, he used his cigarette lighter,” says Tina, explaining how a kid who tried to siphon fuel from her car ended up a human torch. Which is why you gotta leave the pyrotechnics to the experts: “I was hoping to come home and snuggle on the couch in front of the fireplace,” says Amy, whose professional-fire-eater fiancé set their house ablaze trying to light the chimney. —Mario Correa