City Paper is not for tourists.
Now that Muhammad Yunus has won the Nobel Peace Prize for his efforts to create economic development in impoverished Bangladesh, he can turn his attention to another great conflict of our time: the Jessica–Kyndra tiff plaguing morally impoverished Laguna Beach. “She’s just a fake, stupid, two-faced bitch who’s ugly,” seethes Jessica.
Monday at 5:30 p.m.
Brian’s parents are eager to find a replacement for their son’s trashy girlfriend. “She dresses like a streetwalker,” his father says. “When I see her, I don’t know if I should ask her, ‘How much?’ or say, ‘Hello.’” But perhaps looking for a new mate through a reality show wasn’t the best idea. “I can fit my fist in my mouth,” garbles one prospect, demonstrating her talent for Brian’s appalled mother while Dad scrambles for his wallet.
The Oprah Winfrey Show
Tuesday at 4 p.m.
Like many couples on a long road trip, Oprah and best friend Gayle get into a heated argument about the meaning of song lyrics—in this case, Paul Simon’s “Graceland.” But unlike the rest of us, Oprah doesn’t have to agree to disagree on such things. “All the things that Oprah said, that’s what I was thinking when I wrote it,” Simon tells the smug star. Says a fan later about Oprah’s road rage: “She was being a bitch.”
Miami Animal Police
Tuesday at 10 p.m.
Bob Freer, the Sonny Crockett of Miami’s animal underworld, is no stranger to dirty fighting on his beat. “If it can’t bite you,” he says, bagging a trespassing Burmese python, “the next thing they’ll do is they’ll actually try to crap on you.” But when faced with real danger in the form of a feisty Golden Tegu, Freer calls in Tubbs. “I’d rather have one of my other people do it, because I’d hate to get bit,” he says.
Wednesday at 10 p.m.
Prepping best friend Tessa for her date, Raquel offers some helpful advice. “If it’s horrible,” she says, “you can always pull the cramps thing, and they get you home as fast as possible.” Too bad Raquel’s advice is limited to PMS-related subjects, because Cami sure could use a talking-to about her compulsive shopping. “That’ll be $4,285,” a retail clerk tells the unblinking teen.
Friday at 3:30 p.m.
Miserly couple Jeff and Jill concoct several defenses for refusing to pay hairstylist Carl. While Jill whines about her “yellow” locks, Jeff jumps in with a sexual-harassment claim. “He spent two hours on my hair,” he alleges, “running his fingers through my hair constantly, never cutting anything.” Judge Alex orders the duo to pay up, however, after wisely surmising that there’s something seriously wrong with a couple who get their hair cut together. —Jay Dyckman