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Anyone who wonders if Republicans are in for a drubbing this November need look no further than Dancing With the Stars. Crooner Sara Evans, endorsed in the contest by no less than Tom DeLay himself, abruptly quit the show last week and filed for divorce from her ex-GOP House candidate/alleged porn-addict husband. Luckily for Evans, Secret Lives of Women’s Peggy was on hand to offer some terrific advice for the second time around: “Cross-dressers make really good husbands,” she enthused.

Wife Swap

Monday at 8 p.m.

ABC

The ladies of Wife Swap work to bridge the West Coast/heartland divide. “Meet Stu,” says rural Texas mom Dana, holding up a bunny for her California host family. “He’ll be your…Friday night dinner.” Hip suburban mom Tina, meanwhile, wants her country hosts to know she’s got family values, too. “Keeping up with the Joneses,” she tells them. “That’s always been a priority of ours.”

The Bachelor: Rome

Monday at 9 p.m.

ABC

“I figured out I could communicate with Agnese better than any other girl in the house because I speak English very slowly,” says socialite Erica, making a show of taking pity on the lone Italian contestant. Agnese, for her part, is more than happy to be seen with this American. “My opinion on Erica?” asks the Venetian brunette. “She ees so crazy, but not very, very beautiful.”

Dr. Phil

Tuesday at 3 p.m.

Syndicated (WRC-TV)

“Somebody bigger than me is now in the game!” announces Dr. Phil, shamelessly plugging wife Robin McGraw’s self-help book. First up: a man who wants to reign in his wife’s spending: “It was…hundreds of dollars’ worth of overdraft fees and checks bouncing,” he tells her. “Well,” says the woman who married Dr. Phil, “we all make mistakes.”

Secret Lives of Women: Married to Cross Dressers

Tuesday at 11 p.m.

We

“She can polish floors and she can vacuum and clean bathrooms!” Peggy says of her cross-dressing husband Mel’s alter ego, Melanie. And if acquiring your own Mrs. Doubtfire isn’t reason enough to marry a cross-dresser, there’s the added benefit heralded by Joe/Tori’s fiancée, Carreanne: “We can share clothes!”

Best of Bridezillas 3

Wednesday at midnight

We

“I do apologize for the delay in the ceremony,” growls the just-married Milena, dedicating her toast to her mother-in-law’s late arrival. “That will be handled, believe me.” But while we can’t choose our in-laws, we can choose our friends: “Kristina is an endless stress-drama pit,” says a bridesmaid about the would-be bride. “She doesn’t mean to do it, but she definitely—no, she does mean to do it. She’s a bitch.” — Mario Correa