There’s still time to nominate local icons for Best of D.C.
Everyone was prepping for Halloween last week, including Martha. But when special guest Cookie Monster attempted to sneak an early taste of the holiday goodies, the Cooking Monster showed why every day is scary on her set. “Be professional!” she scolded the terrified Muppet.
Monday at 8 p.m.
“I feel like I’m in a cell,” cries Staten Island native Lauren as she plots her escape to a better life in Manhattan. Sadly, though, the outer-borough fugitives of MTV’s “I’m a Staten Island Girl” fail to understand the key to any successful prison break: a successful costume. In this case, it’s called “looking normal.” “I don’t exactly blend,” sighs overly tanned, blue-eye-shadowed Angela.
Monday at 10 p.m.
National Geographic Channel
If you’re a celebrity, the key to training your dogs is to treat them like your fans. “Walk in and ignore them,” host Cesar Millan commands a clearly hard-up-for-publicity Denise Richards. Poor Betty, Hank, and Lucy will just have to read about their owner in People like everyone else. Yet the Whisperer’s advice would’ve been most helpful prior to the Sheen nuptials, when he could have rubbed Charlie’s nose in that teen porn/hooker habit. “So even at their age, they’re trainable?” asks a deluded Richards.
Tuesday at 10 a.m.
“They’re all here for Cookie Monster,” Martha explains to a confused Tom Arnold as he tries to shill his latest straight-to-DVD special, The Kid & I, to an audience of apathetic 6-year-olds. Later, the fuzzy blue beast shrugs off the pushy host’s suggestions to expand his diet. “Me not changing my name to Brussels Sprout Monster,” says the Muppet.
The Oprah Winfrey Show
Wednesday at 4 p.m.
“He’s transitioned so easily from living in an orphanage in Africa to living in our house,” marvels Madonna, stunned by her 13-month-old adoptee’s ability to go from dirt floors to a palace. But, Oprah wonders, how are Lourdes and Rocco handling the family addition? “That’s the amazing thing about children: They don’t ask questions,” explains the Material Mom. So here’s a question they won’t ask: Why’d Madge let NBC cut out her performing on a cross?
America’s Next Top Model
Wednesday at 8 p.m.
It’s a bodice-ripping photo shoot, and 18-year-old Brooke is raring to go. “I’m thinking someone young, hot—let’s get some testosterone out here,” she drools. Her tune changes, however, when she discovers that she has to strike a risqué romance-novel pose with old-and-leathery Fabio. “It’s hard, because here I am basically growing up, and I’m being forced into adulthood,” she gripes as the photographer places her arm around Fabio’s thigh. —Jay Dyckman