Breaking with its all-child-predator-all-the-time strategy, Dateline last week nabbed Madonna for an exclusive on what it called the “adoption heard ’round the world.” But since sometime-journo Meredith Vieira pitched the African queen nothing but softballs, it was up to hard-news junkie Tyra Banks to seek out the real scoop: “What went wrong with the breast?” she quizzed Tara Reid.

Celebrity Paranormal Project

Monday at 1 a.m.

VH1

If there’s something strange/In the neighborhood/Who you gonna call?/Rachel Hunter! The ghost-busting ex–Mrs. Rod Stewart, on the hunt for “deranged and tortured souls” at the Warson Asylum for the Criminally Insane—actual name, the Norwich (Conn.) State Hospital—finds the occasional creaky noise instead. But for pal Traci Bingham, that’s plenty scary enough. “The hair on my arm,” shudders the Baywatch vet, “which I don’t have because I got it lasered—is standing up!”

Oprah

Monday at 4 p.m.

Syndicated (WJLA-TV)

The Lord Oprah giveth: “You will each go home with $1,000!” the beatific host tells her wildly screaming audience. And the Lord Oprah taketh away: “You’re going to spend it all…on [a] stranger,” she amends to considerably less enthusiasm. And what better way to document the audience’s disappointment than by not giving them a video camera? “We are lending everybody…our favorite Sony DVD Handycam!” gushes America’s favorite billionaire.

Dr. Phil

Monday at 3 p.m.

Syndicated (WRC-TV)

“I believe God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve,” announces Christina “I Hate Gays,” one of six residents of the cartoonishly troubled Dr. Phil House. And though her by-the-Book gay-bashing may be lacking a little in the originality department, Christina’s knowledge of medicine sure isn’t: “They’re not diseases,” she concludes of homosexual tendencies. “They’re illnesses.”

The Bachelor: Rome

Monday at 9 p.m.

ABC

“I do want to explain to you that Sadie has blown me away,” says loose-lipped Lorenzo to the silent parents of the sweet Christian virgin. But it’s the father of fellow finalist, Jennifer, who’s more likely to do the blowing: “When Dennis cocked the gun and…said, ‘This is the gun I use to get rid of the guys I don’t like that are dating my daughter,’” says the nervous bachelor, “I knew that I had to be on my best behavior.”

The Tyra Banks Show

Tuesday at 10 a.m.

Syndicated (WTTG-TV)

Move over, Darfur—there’s a real human crisis on Tyra’s doorstep. “Plastic surgery is such a big issue…in the world today,” says Tara Reid, on hand to discuss the global consequences of botched boob jobs. But can the nation that sent a man to the moon really not protect its own against badly stretched nipples? “If it happened to me,” Reid warns, “it can happen to anyone.” —Mario Correa