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It’s soul-searching time for a Republican party that’s been cast aside. Perhaps George, Dick, Karl, and the whole gang can take a tip from CNN faith and values correspondent Delia Gallagher, who offers Paula Zahn the “Four Steps to Spiritual Restoration.” But since asking forgiveness and showing humility made the list, it looks as though they shouldn’t book a return trip from political purgatory anytime soon.

House of Carters

Monday at 9:30 p.m.


“You shouldn’t have kicked [your sister’s] purse,” Nick tells spiteful Leslie. “Better than kicking her face,” she snarls. And in that act of restraint, the Carters continue to take baby steps away from utter dysfunction. Well, two steps forward, one step back. “If you don’t want to be my sister,” snaps B.J. to Leslie, “why don’t you just have a sex change and become my brother?”

Untold Stories of the ER

Tuesday at 9 p.m.

Discovery Health

“You want me to prep a chain saw?” asks an ER nurse, evaluating the 3-foot tree branch stuck in an unlucky jogger’s neck. Filming in the ER, it turns out, really amps up the pressure. The pressure to deliver a killer line. “I’m hanging by a limb, doc,” the patient deadpans. Hi-oh!

Buff Brides: The Bridal Challenge

Wednesday at 9 p.m.


“I think it’s definitely very easy to get lazy about working out and eating right when you’re with someone who you know is going to love you unconditionally,” says Justine as she furiously works out, intent on losing 20 pounds before the blessed day. Maybe her husband will be content, though, if she’s able to make it down the aisle without keeling over. “She’s not in bad shape,” offers Justine’s trainer. “She’s in a state where she’s functional.”

Paula Zahn Now

Thursday at 8 p.m.


The first of the four steps in rumored gay-hooker-and-meth user Ted Haggard’s spiritual restoration, Delia Gallagher tells Zahn, is to submit. “[He must] submit to the authority of sometimes two, three, four, five men” in the church leadership, she explains, tastefully refraining from making a kneeling motion. And as to that second step—repeatedly admitting your sins—Zahn asks: “So you just pound this stuff over and over and over?” Jesus, what’s Step Three? A time share on Fire Island?

World’s Ugliest Dog Competition

Friday at 9 p.m.

Animal Planet

“The first time I saw Lucy, I thought I had been dropped off on another planet,” shudders contest favorite Lucille Bald’s neighbor, a NASA astronaut. Indeed, poor hairless, toothless Lucille would certainly seem to be more at home suctioned to someone’s face than out for a stroll in the park. “Sometimes people tell me that E.T. called and he wants his baby back,” sighs owner Andrea Potts.—Jay Dyckman