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’Tis the season! November sweeps season, that is—that special time of the year when Oprah takes us backstage, Maury hands out paternity tests, and Rosie discusses someone’s anus. And just when you think the gift-giving couldn’t get any better, Barbara Walters swoops in to impart the wisdom of three long decades. “Never,” she counseled on 30 Mistakes in 30 Years, “ask anyone what kind of tree they want to be.”
The Bachelor: Rome
Monday at 9 p.m.
“Although I love everything about Sadie,” says Lorenzo of the show’s lone virgin, “my only concern…is how we respond [to each other] behind closed doors.” Which, in case Sadie was born yesterday, means cut the waiting-for-marriage shit and get your ass into the “fantasy suite.” “Lorenzo,” beams the clueless Christian, “has potential written all over his face!” Actually, hon, that’s called “blue balls.”
Tuesday at 11 a.m.
“I want to continue to do things that are positive,” says Dancing With the Stars’ Monique Coleman, the latest African-American trotted out for a spin in the ex–Star Jones chair. And if by “positive” she means bantering about anal bleaching, then Monique’s come to the right audition. “Somebody went into their plastic surgeon,” muses Rosie, “and said, ‘I’d like the poop chute a little lighter’?!”
Wednesday at 12 p.m.
“Matt,” Rachel snarls at her ex-fiancé, “you’re just jealous of your uncle [Bobby] because he satisfies me sexually, emotionally, and financially.” But one thing Uncle Bobby doesn’t do, sadly, is test positive for the paternity of Rachel’s child. “It’s OK,” she reassures the committed family man. “No big deal.”
The Oprah Winfrey Show
Thursday at 4 p.m.
Oprah gives us a rare “backstage pass” to the joy that is working for Oprah: “Give me some lipstick! Give me some lashes!” she barks at her makeup man. “You’re in my seat!” she tells a lackey in her personal theater. “Please move!” And, while you’re at it, please update your résumé: “I thought you were front and center,” the displaced lackey dares to respond.
Friday at 7:30 p.m.
The stars come out for the one cause that really matters—future stars. “The University of Notre Dame…DeBartolo Center, which educates and trains actors and performers,” says a proud Martin Short of his chosen “charity.” Well, let’s hope Notre Dame tosses in some civics lessons while they’re at it: “Of the three branches of government,” says Alex Trebek to a trio of blank celebrity stares, “the one including the Supreme Court…” —Mario Correa