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My boyfriend and I are currently doing the long-distance thing, as I’m finishing up some schooling. About two months ago during some dirty phone talk he said he’d been masturbating while thinking about me fucking another man while he watches.
This was unexpected. In the past, I screwed around on boyfriends. He knows this, but I thought he also understood that I only want to be with him and that I am not interested in additional male partners. He brings this scenario up whenever we’re having phone sex or we’re together and he’s aroused. When he’s not hard, he says that the thought of my being with another guy is gut wrenching and awful, but when he is aroused, he tells me that he really wants me to do this.
I’m confused. Previously, partners have brought up unexpected stuff in bed and I’ve rolled with it (bondage, strap-ons, etc.), but they were always able to talk about it later—what it was about, why it was a turn-on, etc. My current man gets upset when I try to talk about it outside of sex. Are you familiar with this sort of drastic, disgusted, after-the-fact denial?
—Unsure About the Cuckold Thing
Yeah, UATCT, I’m familiar with the drastic, disgusted, after-the-fact denial. When I first came out—back before I knew better—I fucked a handful of “straight” guys. And let me tell you, UATCT, the shit that comes out of the mouths of closet cases just before and all during sex will turn your hair white and/or make your dick hard. No one begs to be fucked quite as sincerely, graphically, or desperately as some frat boy who hasn’t reconciled himself to being gay quite yet.
But, oh, the moment a closet case gets what he came for—the moment he comes—his tone changes dramatically. Not only does he stop begging to be fucked, he will deny he ever wanted to be fucked in the first place. The truly messed up ones would even deny that they had been fucked at all, never mind the evidence all over their abs. And any attempts to address their absurd denials—“What do you mean you’ve never been fucked? My cock is still in your ass…”—were a waste of time.
Like those “straight” frat boys I fucked back at the University of Illinois, your boyfriend wants it. He wants you to fuck around with another guy, preferably in front of him. But he doesn’t wanna want it and wishes it would go away. And it does go away, just like magic, immediately after he comes. Unfortunately, it comes roaring back as soon as he’s horny again.
Where did his cuckold fetish come from? Like many fetishes, his cuckold thing is most likely a subconscious, erotic response to a sexually charged fear. While most of us learn to live with and occasionally conquer our fears without eroticizing them, a number of us respond to sexual fears or traumas by incorporating them into our erotic imaginations. Think of women—hip, together, progressive, feminist women—who act out rape fantasies; think of the homos—hip, together, out homos—who dress up like soldiers, cops, firemen, and other stereotypically violent, homophobic types.
So women fear rape, yet some develop a fetish for it. Gay men fear violent homophobes, yet some dress up like violent homophobes. And what do many straight men fear? Being cheated on, of course, and dealing with that particular brand of sexual humiliation. Your boyfriend has, consciously or subconsciously, eroticized his fears around your cheating on him—and that’s not an entirely irrational fear, UATCT, considering your past.
Cuckolding may seem like some sort of brand-new fetish, but it’s not. We’re hearing more about it now because of the Internet. But while straight women have long been free to share and explore their rape fantasies with their male partners, and gay men can share their homophobe fantasies with each other, married straight men into cuckolding have a harder time of it. A rape fantasy, however charged, or a homophobe fantasy, however comical, is easy to realize. (“Hold me down.” “Wear this uniform.”) A cuckold fantasy, on the other hand, is infinitely more complicated. Not only does the wannabe cuckold have to talk his partner into it he also has to find a willing third. It wasn’t until sites likecuckoldplace.com and adultcommunitiesonline.com/ourhotwives came along that cuckold fetishists—or “cucks,” as some insist on calling themselves—were able to create a community of sorts, put a name to their desires, and swap tips on broaching the subject with their wives and girlfriends.—Dan
I’m among the “growing legions” of cuckold fetishists. My wife is a Hot Little Slut, and she’s happy to accommodate my fantasy. Recently, while at an out-of-town seminar, my HLS hooked up with a guy and gave him a blowjob. She did a repeat when he was in our area on business. The guy, also married, assumes that my HLS is having sex without my knowledge. We don’t believe we have an ethical obligation to notify “one-nighters” that HLS will be sharing the dirty details with her “wronged” husband later. However, the issue seems less clear with regulars. If there is an obligation to inform, when does it begin?—Husband Into Slut
I don’t believe HLS has a moral obligation to share the dirty details with “one-nighters” she meets at seminars, truck stops, celebrity weddings, etc.
Regulars, however, have a right to know what’s up—but only if they inquire. As I see it, HIS, your wife’s regulars believe they’re putting something over on you. That you’re actually putting one over on them, well, that’s a classic double-cross. You’re cheating the cheater, robbing the robber, spying on the spy. But if, as many cuckold fetishists agree, it’s hotter when the other guy rubs your nose in his enjoyment of your wife, then you should inform him—because this is, or should be, about you and your wife, HIS, your pleasure, and your sex lives.—Dan
So there are “legions of men,” to use your words, who are into cuckolding. Fantastic. So is my husband. The problem is that I find the idea of humiliating my husband like this revolting. I don’t want to have sex with other men, and I cry when he talks about his fantasies. It’s only been in the last year that things have progressed to this level of incompatibility. Is there any chance he’ll move on to something other than someone else’s come in my pussy?
I had no idea I’d be at this point in life with a problem like this.
—Wife With Worries
Cuckolding isn’t oral, it isn’t light bondage, it isn’t the husband wanting to wear your panties. Like scat or hardcore sadism, cuckolding is “a fetish too far,” meaning it’s not a fetish your husband has a right to expect that you’ll indulge. As the stakes are high, emotionally and physically, the wife has to wanna or it’s off the table.
So, WWW, you have a right to say, “You have to drop this. It’s terribly upsetting to me. You can fantasize about it whenever you like, but this isn’t something I’m ever going to be able to do for you.” Then, for the sake of your marriage, he has to promise not to bring it up. You, for your part, have to promise not to obsess about what might be going through his mind when you two do have sex.—Dan Savage
Dan Savage’s new book, The Commitment: Love, Sex, Marriage, and My Family, is on sale now. Send your Savage Love questions to firstname.lastname@example.org. A new Savage Love podcast is available for download every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.