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You neglect generic guy/girl/girl threesomes. My friends talk about these threesomes all the time, ’cause they’re the “Holy Grail” of sex for us straight guys. Here are some of our questions:
1. What is up with threesomes?
2. How do I arrange a threesome?
3. How do I get my girl to agree to a threesome, ’cause she said “No way,” but I still want to experience two girls at once before I die?
OK, No. 3 is a real question from me. And here’s a follow-up:
4. Is it OK to cheat to fulfill this need?
—Seeking Holy Ass Grail
I’ve neglected threesomes ’cause they’re about as controversial as brunch plans for us gay guys, SHAG. What can I say? Gays are discriminated against, damned to hell, and always seated next to distant gay relatives at Thanksgiving whom we having nothing whatsoever in common with save the cocksucking thing. Then again, we can get out of the Army by posting a little self-made porn to Xtube.com and for every straight couple out there arguing about threesomes, there are 10 gay couples having them.
So, you’re right. Just because us gay guys can have threesomes pretty much whenever we like—hey, it was either spit-roast that distant gay relative or listen to him talk about his remodel all night long—that doesn’t mean I should neglect the minefield that is straight three-ways.
“Threesomes are undoubtedly the new ‘Holy Grail’ of sex,” says Vicki Vantoch, author of The Threesome Handbook: A Practical Guide to Sleeping With Three (Thunder’s Mouth Press). “Most people have either had a three-way or thought about it. Yes, even women. A recent ABC poll ranked threesomes as the most popular fantasy in America.” (Outside of America, of course, the most popular fantasy begins with at least one engine falling off of Air Force One.)
“If SHAG’s girlfriend is game,” says Vicki, “he has to recruit a third. He can meet tri-curious women just about everywhere. (One couple I interviewed gets it on with their kid’s kindergarten teacher.) But until he masters the three-way pickup, SHAG might want to try some of the easier meeting spots: Internet personals—including alternative lifestyle personals (lifestylelounge.com), polyamory events/personals (polymatchmaker.com), or erotic parties.”
And if his girlfriend isn’t game?
“Try exploring threesome fantasies in the bedroom,” advises Vicki. “If SHAG starts telling his girlfriend about hot three-way action when she’s really turned on, and he does it often enough, his girlfriend may develop a positive association between threesomes and orgasms.” That or she’ll dump your ass—but, hey, no risk, no getting rimmed and blown at the same time. “He might also break out some threesome-centric films: Think Summer Lovers or Henry & June. If SHAG paves the way patiently, his girlfriend might discover her own three-way turn-on.”
Assuming that happens, SHAG, and assuming it happens before you die of old age, you can now broach the subject outside the bedroom. “He should bring it up when his relationship feels solid and satisfying—not when they’re bored or annoyed with each other,” Vicki adds. “Let her know that she’s in the driver’s seat: She would make the rules, choose the third, and you would agree to whatever limits she sets.”
As for cheating, SHAG, Vicki is against it.
“Cheating is cheating,” she says. “I’m guessing SHAG’s girlfriend wouldn’t be more forgiving because he cheated on her with two women, instead of just one.” —Dan
My boyfriend and I found a guy who is bi like us and have played with him a couple of times. But now, when we’re all hanging out and things start to move in a threesome direction, he makes an excuse and leaves. How do we get back to the hot threesomes?
—Wants Hot Action Again
“Maybe your bi third has been suddenly overwhelmed by gay shame or Catholic guilt,” says Vicki. “Who knows?” Your bi third is the only one who knows, WHAA, and you’ll have to ask him. “If you’re going to make threesomes a habit,” says Vicki, “you’ve got to get comfortable talking about this stuff. Take him out for coffee and lay it out for him.” And if he isn’t interested? “Don’t despair,” urges Vicki. “There are plenty of tri-curious fish in the sea.”—Dan
I’ve been with my loving, adventurous, GGG, kind boyfriend for two years. We’re both in our mid-to-late 20s, but I’ve had more experience. In the beginning, I was honest about having been in a few threesomes. He was turned on by the idea, and initially I encouraged him. However, as we became more emotionally involved, I decided that I couldn’t share him. When I told him this, we got into a huge fight. He feels that he’s missing out because we have a good, healthy, loving, stable relationship.
He won’t let the issue go. The most I can honestly tell him is that, should the circumstances be exactly right, then maybe. Considering the stars will likely never align themselves, I feel like his rehashing of the subject just upsets me and gets us nowhere. How do I effectively tell him that no, he’s not missing out on anything, no, I didn’t betray him or lie to him but justifiably changed my mind, and please, darling, shut the fuck up.
—Love Obligates Sexual Exclusiveness
“Telling your boyfriend he’s not missing out isn’t going to dampen his enthusiasm,” says Vicki. “Plus, it’s not true—he is missing out on threesomes, which are popular because they’re hot!” Threesomes aren’t for everybody, of course, “but if you really love this guy, it may be worth exploring your threesome-blocking hang-ups. The idea that you can’t share your boyfriend because you love him may be something you can’t get over, but some couples find that having a threesome with someone you love brings you even closer, if you do it consciously.” So what does Vicki think you should do? “Tell your boyfriend that you understand his desire to have a threesome, but you need time to figure out if a three-way could work for you. Agree to revisit the discussion in three months—if he stops pushing.”
Hmm. I’ve been right there with Vicki until that last bit of advice for LOSE. It seems pretty clear that LOSE has no intention of having a three-way with her boyfriend today, three months from now, or ever. So telling the boyfriend it might happen if he could only shut up about it for a while seems a bit dishonest.
Hey, LOSE? You know who needs to shut the fuck up? You do.
You made your boyfriend a promise, you backed out, and he has a right to feel misled. For that, you owe him an apology. Period. Are you obligated to have a three-way now? No, of course not. But you are obligated to cease misleading him. So stop feeding him bullshit about planets that you know damn well aren’t ever going to align. If being with you means never having a threesome, LOSE, you need to tell him that now so he can make an informed choice about whether he wants to be with you at all.
I get a shitload of e-mail from folks—OK, mostly straight guys—who were promised regular oral, three-ways, bi action, visits to pro dommes, etc., during courtships only to be told, once they’d committed, that “love” nullified all those tantalizing offers. That sexual bait-and-switch bullshit destroys relationships, LOSE—even good, healthy, loving, stable relationships.—Dan Savage
Dan Savage’s most recent book, The Commitment: Love, Sex, Marriage, and My Family , is on sale now. Send your Savage Love questions to firstname.lastname@example.org. A new Savage Love podcast is available for download every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.