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I love my wife. We’ve been married 10 years. Young punk-rock love turned into adult debt-ridden love. She’s been there for me, helps me achieve my goals, all that. But she’s let herself go, while I’ve gotten myself into better shape.
I pride myself on being a good husband. I’ve been 100 percent faithful, I clean, I tell her I love her. I don’t want to hurt her. I love her. I just don’t lust for her anymore. My wife’s skin is a mess, she has dietary issues that cause gnarly gas, she eats bad food that causes her to gain weight. I always thought I was against the society-imposed, magazine-model, porn-star look girls are supposed to have. So it’s hard for me to admit that I’m not cool enough to think my wife is hot the way she is.
I’ve started stoning to dull the fact that I’m hating on myself for not being hot for my wife. She’s picking up on all of this, which is affecting her mood, self-esteem, and energy levels. And since she tends to eat more when things aren’t going well for us, this is creating a hugely negative feedback loop on the weight and lust fronts.
When almost any girl you see is hotter to you than your wife…what the fuck do you do? When the desire to be with someone who actually turns you on is overwhelming…what the fuck do you do? When people you find attractive, women and men, hit on you all the time…what the fuck do you do? —Hawt and Royally Depressed
Before you give up or drive yourself crazy over this situation, HARD, you need to have an honest talk with your wife. It’s simple: Tell your wife that you no longer find her attractive. It’s called being honest.
It is quite possible that she has no idea that her out-of-shapeness is a turnoff, especially if she has never been told! Try saying something like this: “Honestly, I love you, but I’m not as physically attracted as I’d like to be. Can I help you work out a bit?” Then perhaps pick up a set of weights at a garage sale, set up a full-length mirror in a spare room, and work out together as a couple. Or take her for long walks. Or, if she’s a foodie, encourage her to garden; a lot of calories get burned when you fork over your own vegetable patch!
But start with complete honesty. It’s not that hard to say, “You have gotten fat and unattractive and my sex drive is nil, so can we do something about it before I bail on you?” My goodness! Whatever happened to being honest? Sit your partner down and tell her you love her in every way but you are not attracted to her due to her appearance. “You are out of shape and it’s killing our relationship” is a good place to start! Stress how much you care, bring up the health thing, and tell her you want her to live a long, happy life, but impress upon her that this is a problem that might lead you to leave.
Open communication means revealing your thoughts so the other person can take action. Which sometimes means saying, “Unless you take up jogging and lose 35 pounds, sweetie, I’m going to have a hard time being sexually excited about you.” The partner either laces up the running shoes or they waddle on with their life.
Good luck! —Dan
My boyfriend and I are both in our 20s, we’re GGG, and we’ve experimented enough to know what we both like. There’s only one thing that I’d like to try that he can’t help me with: I’d like to be with a girl. He feels that if I get to be with a girl, then he should get to be with her, or another woman. I feel that any experience I have with a woman wouldn’t threaten him, as I have no interest in having a relationship with a woman. I’d be fine if he wanted to be with another man. But he has no interest in being with a guy. I know what you’re going to write: Shut up and have a threesome! We’ve talked about that, but it would be too hard for me to watch him with another girl.
This is an argument that we keep coming back to and it always ends up with us having a semiserious fight. Help us out!
—Wants a Girl Alone
What you’re proposing, WAGA, is basically this: “I get to do this thing I want to do (eat a little pussy) and in exchange you get to do this thing you don’t want to do (suck a little cock).” That’s hardly fair. If you’re too threatened by the idea of your boyfriend going to bed with someone besides you whom he would like to fuck, then you have to forgo bedding someone besides him whom you would like to fuck. The end. —Dan
I am a 21-year-old, attractive straight male with an identical twin brother, also straight. I’ve never understood the “twin-fetish” thing, and whenever girls mentioned it, my response was confusion and disgust. Thing is, I was at a party with my brother a week ago, and this girl stated quite plainly that she had a thing for twins and wanted to do both of us at the same time. This girl is hot—great body, fuck-me eyes, likes to take control. And so my brother and I decided that we weren’t so disgusted with the idea after all.
I have two questions: How common is this twin-fetish thing? And where’s the incest line? This girl says she wants to see my brother and me kiss, but I don’t want to do that if it crosses the incest line. —A Nervous Twin
It’s amazing how quickly “confusion and disgust” at a proposed position/kink/sibling-combo-platter morphs into “comprehension and desire” when someone with come-fuck-me eyes/tits/asscheeks, etc., does the propositioning. Bill O’Reilly wants to rub falafels on your tits? You’re not interested. Milo Ventimiglia wants to rub falafels on your tits? You’re in the kitchen mashing up chickpeas in your underwear.
Anyway, how common is the twin-fetish thing? Common enough for beer and chewing-gum companies to market their products exploiting your kind, ANT, and, in a related development, common enough to have its very own porn genre. Rest assured that you and your brother are going to receive proposals like this one so long as you insist on being young and attractive and identical. (With the notable exception of Viola and Sebastian, fraternal twins aren’t nearly as compelling.)
As to where you should draw the “incest line,” well, different people draw that line in different places. Personally, I feel there’s something vaguely incestuous about being in the same time zone when one of my siblings is getting it on with someone—hell, I’m uncomfortable being in the same time zone when one of my siblings is showering. So you’ll have to look inside yourself, ANT, and then look at the outside of that smoking-hot girl again, before you can decide where to draw that line.
But I’m sure I speak for everyone reading when I say this: If you go ahead with this threesome, whether it includes incestuous twin tongue kisses or not, we all wanna see the video on XTube. —Dan Savage
Dan Savage’s most recent book, The Commitment: Love, Sex, Marriage, and My Family , is on sale now. Send your Savage Love questions to firstname.lastname@example.org. A new Savage Love podcast is available for download every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.