My two roommates are in the same frat. Roommate A and his GF have been going out for about a year. Roommate A is a great guy, but maybe a bit too nice: Recently, his GF cheated on him and he forgave her. Her infidelity did not come as a surprise to the rest of us. When she’s drunk, she acts inappropriately. She gets touchy and says suggestive things—it’s way beyond friendly flirting.
Anyway, Roommate B came into my room the other night and confessed that, a week or so before Roommate A’s GF cheated on him, she propositioned another member of his fraternity—let’s call him OG (Other Guy)—while Roommate A was away. Before she started going out with Roommate A, GF and OG fucked. So she ran into OG that night and flat-out told OG that she wanted to fuck him. OG refused, to his credit, and relayed the story to Roommate B, but swore him to secrecy.
Is it my place to tell Roommate A about his GF’s behavior? I don’t know OG well enough to tell him to tell Roommate A, and Roommate B won’t tell Roommate A. Everyone agrees that it’s a fucked-up situation. I mean, no one really knows how many times GF has fucked around on my roommate. What’s your take?
—Friend Really Over Strumpet’s Treachery
All you’ve got, FROST, is hearsay—what Roommate B told you about what OG told him about Roommate A’s GF—and hearsay isn’t admissible in court. But this isn’t a trial, it’s a friendship, and sometimes friendship requires us to pass along hearsay and/or highly credible gossip.
What’s that lovely saying that sometimes drops from the oh-so-fuckable mouths of frat boys? Oh, yes: Bros before hos. Usually I find that phrase offensive and misogynistic, FROST, but in this instance it applies.
Tell Roommate A what you know. If his GF is making passes at everything on campus with a cock, Roommate A has a right to know for his own health and safety. His GF also needs to learn a valuable lesson: She’s got to set up her cheatin’ game—fuck people outside of her boyfriend’s social circle, for starters—if she intends to cheat on all the men she’s with over the course of her life. Getting her ass dumped for sloppy technique in college will help her get her cheating act together by the time she marries some poor bastard.
And finally, FROST, there’s a chance—an outside one—that Roommate A already knows and doesn’t care, either because he and GF have an open relationship or he’s turned on by his girlfriend “cheating” on him. If Roommate A doesn’t dump his GF after you break the news, FROST, you’re not obligated to inform him about any other trouble his GF gets into. Rest assured, she’s telling him all about it while he fucks her senseless. —Dan
I’m in my mid-20s and recently started sleeping with a coworker who is in his late 40s. The sex is incredibly hot, but last time I spontaneously called him “Daddy,” and then he started in with “You’ve been a very bad girl” stuff—and it really turned us on. Afterward, we were a little freaked by the idea that we were basically evoking the image of a father abusing his daughter. Is this as creepy as it seems? —Phreaked in Phoenix
The power imbalance built into an affair with a much older coworker weighed on both your minds until—ta-da!—out popped daddy/girl stuff while you were fucking. So do you want to fuck your actual dad now, PIP? Does he want to fuck his actual daughters, if he has any? If the answer to both these questions is “no,” then this isn’t a problem. Remember, PIP: He’s not your daddy; he’s a daddy. —Dan
For four years I’ve been dating a gal who is freaking amazing in almost every way. The other 10 percent of the time she’s the worst human I’ve ever met: superviolent, superdishonest. (She tells our friends that I beat her to cover up for her violence toward me!) I’ve tried communicating, but she gets angry if I try to talk about it. I know I can either accept it or break up with her, but I was hoping you’d have a better answer. Any ideas? She’s far superior to most humans I’ve met in every other regard and I want to spend the rest of my life with her. —Sick of Getting Beaten Up
Break up with her now, SOGBU. Or, fuck, spend the rest of your life with this monster if she’s that wonderfuckingful—but go in with both (black) eyes open. Being with her means being abused. You would be a fool to stay with her, under the circumstances. But it’s your call, fool.
Oh, and a woman who will tell your friends that you beat her will one day tell the same lie to the police, SOGBU. Just so you know. —Dan
A while back, I discovered my fiancé was having an affair, so we broke up. Maybe I should have laid down specific ground rules when we got back together, but I still felt betrayed when I found out that he was in regular contact with the Other Woman. I avoid social gatherings that I know the Other Woman will be at, but my fiancé goes without me. He knows I hate it, but he guilts me about not trusting him. I’ve even seen her name in his e-mail inbox. (I wasn’t deliberately spying—we share the same computer.) Am I wrong to feel insecure, or is my fiancé being insensitive? —Going On Paranoid
Your fiancé cheated, GOP, so the onus is on him to avoid, within reason, doing things that make you feel insecure. Hanging out with the OW, e-mailing the OW, chatting with the OW at parties—he shouldn’t be doing any of that crap out of simple consideration for your feelings. If you’re going to marry him, you have to forgive him and trust him. But he has to avoid doing things that give you more cause to mistrust him than he’s given you already.
And, finally, he has the nerve to guilt you? He sounds like a manipulative, selfish jerk, GOP—which are the warning signs of a habitual, serial cheater. Are you sure you wanna marry this douche? —Dan
Your recent columns about men, women, weight, attraction, and honesty were incredible. As a strong feminist, I know women overwhelmingly bear the brunt of sexism in our society, but I feel that the ways that sexism affects men, and how this code is maintained by social relationships between other men as well as women, are often marginalized. Sexism affects us all in some way and this week’s column did a nail-on-the-head job showcasing how all men are negatively affected by sexist patterns. Understanding and accounting for gendered interactions between all people helps undermine patriarchy because the roles we as a society impose on one of the two hegemonic sexes are diametrically opposed in the other. Great job.
—Feminism Is Great Healthy Thought
I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about, FIGHT, but thanks for sharing. For more letters about men, women, weight, attraction, and honesty go to www.thestranger.com/savage/honesty.
Dan Savage’s most recent book, The Commitment: Love, Sex, Marriage, and My Family , is on sale now. Send your Savage Love questions to firstname.lastname@example.org. A new Savage Love podcast is available for download every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.