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I’m a 21-year-old female and I know the my-boyfriend-has-a-diaper-fetish thing has been done to death. But…
We’ve been together for two years. When he mustered up the courage to tell me about his fetish, I was supportive even though it did seem odd. To be completely honest, he’s so good looking and such a wonderful guy that I was worried about losing him if I seemed less than ecstatic.
Flash forward a year and a half. We’re very close, we’re in a really good place, and we want to get married. However, his fetish has started to bother me. In the beginning he wanted me to talk down to him, he’d come in his diaper, and we were done. We’d do that roughly once a week. Now it’s all he ever wants to do and “normal” sex is off the menu. And his fetish has progressed to these elaborate role-play scenarios complete with “sissy outfits.” Sometimes it takes a whole day of role-playing to satisfy him and he makes me feel guilty if I refuse.
I know he’s attracted to me—my attractiveness is a significant part of the role-playing—but I feel like he’s being selfish. I also don’t want him to do what I want just for the sake of doing what I want. I’m getting sick of this inner dialogue. What do you think? And please don’t pass me up because you’ve answered infantilism questions in the past. —Sick Of Diapered Sissy
You’re right, SODS—we have done the boyfriend-has-a-diaper-fetish thing to death. In fact, I responded to a woman who signed herself Beyond Annoyed in February; she was married to a diaper-loving adult baby who was neglecting her desire for vanilla sex. Now normally I wouldn’t run a letter from a reader with an identical problem, SODS, but I’m going to make an exception in your case. No need to thank me.
Thank O. J. Wandrisco.
Wandrisco is the director of a Christian youth group in Mt. Lebanon, Pa., and to “break the ice” at a recent meeting, Mr. Wandrisco sent three teenage boys—14-year-old boys—into a restroom with an older teenager. The boys were given “adult diapers, bibs, and bonnets and directed to take their clothes off and put the diapers, bibs, and bonnets on,” the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette reported. “The boys returned to the group, where they were asked to sit in the laps of three girls. The girls spoon-fed baby food to the boys and then gave them baby bottles filled with soda pop. The first boy to finish was the winner.”
Putting horny 14-year-old boys in diapers and plopping them on the laps of teenage girls for a little spoon- and bottle-feeding—thus are lifelong fetishes born. Not that I have anything against fetishes, lifelong or temporary, or the kind of formative life experiences that create ’em. I live in the house that fetishes bought, after all. But can you imagine the uproar from Christian groups if a gay youth group employed similar ice-breaking techniques?
A spokesman for the Christian youth group told the Post-Gazette that they’ve been doing this “skit” for years; they also do a “skit” where girls eat chocolate pudding out of adult diapers. The spokesman also insisted that the boys from Mt. Lebanon “had fun” in those diapers. I’ll bet they did—and odds are good that they’re going to be having fun in diapers for the rest of their lives.
OK, SODS, here’s the advice I offered Beyond Annoyed: “Cut the brat off—no more baby games until he can successfully wrap his bonnet around this: Your pleasure matters as much as his does. He may not be interested in regular sex, but he needs to learn to fake it convincingly. And finally, BA, tell him that his continued failure to meet your vanilla needs is gonna get his diapered ass [dumped], leaving him single and shit out of luck, sex-partner-wise, for the rest of his adult infancy.”
I frequently caution vanilla types not to leave folks on account of their kinks. “Dump the honest foot fetishist,” goes the Karmic Rule of Kink (KROK), “and you will marry the dishonest necrophiliac.” So good on you, SODS, for the way you handled your boyfriend’s revelation. But KROK applies to kinksters, too: A lucky kinkster with an indulgent vanilla partner who fails to joyfully accommodate his partner’s desire for “normal” sex is gonna get his ass dumped and then he’s NEVER gonna get his kinky rocks off again without having to pay a pro $500 an hour to put up with his bullshit.
Of course, your boyfriend may not believe that he’s neglecting your needs. Concerned about seeming “less than ecstatic” when he broke the news, since he’s so good looking you were afraid of losing him, your feigned enthusiasm may have led him to believe that you find his kink just as exciting as he does. If that’s the case, you’re going to have to take it back without making him feel violated. So when you cut him off, SODS, tell him that neither of you will be enjoying his kinks until vanilla sex is back on the menu. —Dan
I am a 26-year-old gay man living in Boston. I recently started dating a man in his 30s whose biggest turn-on is having a guy lick and kiss the bottoms of his feet. At first I enjoyed watching him get so much satisfaction while I licked and kissed his feet. But now I’m feeling uneasy. He has started asking me to get naked and worship his feet while he remains clothed and engages in nonsexual activities—things like watching TV, eating dinner, or just sitting back and having a smoke. I’m concerned that he’s degrading me. I do have to say he more than gets me off after I do this for him. But I don’t want to be in a relationship based on my being degraded—as good as it may feel to both of us.
Do I put up with feeling degraded and stick around for the great sex? Do I tell him how I’m feeling? —New Foot Licker
His biggest turn-on is having his feet “worshipped,” he wants you to worship said feet while he ignores you, and he remains fully clothed while you slobber away bare-ass naked—uh, NFL? This scenario is all about degradation, about you debasing yourself to affirm his sexual dominance. So long as he’s only interested in degrading you when you’re having sex, NFL, and not interested in degrading or dominating you 24/7, then you’re not in a relationship “based on [your] being degraded,” but in a relationship with someone turned on by role-playing degradation scenarios.
Does his desire to have you worship his feet while he engages in nonsexual activities—TV, meals, smokes—represent outside-of-sex slippage? Not so long as hot sex follows your degradation, NFL. You see, your slobbering and your nudity transform whatever “nonsexual activities” he’s engaging in—or pretending to engage in—into highly charged sexual activities. When you’re not naked on the floor licking the bottoms of his feet, NFL, then watching TV is just watching TV. But when you are on the floor licking the bottoms of his feet, watching TV is foreplay.
Finally, NFL, of course you should tell him how you’re feeling. You should also ask him where, if anywhere, this is going. Is this scenario—you completely nude, worshipping his feet while he, fully clothed, ignores you—the end point? Is it his ultimate turn-on? Or is he grooming you for more degrading tasks? But first ask yourself this: “What if his answer is yes?” —Dan Savage
Dan Savage’s most recent book, The Commitment: Love, Sex, Marriage, and My Family , is on sale now. Send your Savage Love questions to firstname.lastname@example.org. A new Savage Love podcast is available for download every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.