Breaking up? Evicted from your group house? Laid off? The Loftstel might be for you. The Petworth long-stay hostel is not, as originally advertised, in Columbia Heights. But it is within walking distance of the Petworth Metro. Bunk beds in a shared room, segregated by gender, go for between $550 and $850 a month, depending on how long you stay and whether you have a student ID. Nightly rates start at $29. Free amenities include WiFi, HBO, Wii, and long-distance phones for calling Mom to cry. Plus, laundry facilities, a full kitchen, lockers, and sleeping masks. A FAQ section on the Loftstel Web site answers pretty much any other question you might possibly have. For example: “Q. Why are there discounts through Facebook, but not Myspace? A. Facebook users tend to be normal college students. The people who contact us through Myspace tend to be sexual predators, creepy old people, and weird musicians.”