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My boyfriend and I are in our mid-20s, love each other, and have been living together for two years. We have good sex once a week. I have a low libido, and I always have. But my sweet boyfriend needs more than once a week. Every once in a while, he brings up the fact that he’d like to have more sex. This conversation always goes the same way: He tells me, I start crying, he feels terrible for making me cry, we both wind up feeling like shit.
I’m pretty sure that the solution is for me to jump my sexy boyfriend more often. But I don’t know how. I know I have an inner vixen buried somewhere inside me. I would appreciate any suggestions you have. —Wanna Want More
If you’ve been to the doc and ruled out a hormonal imbalance, WWM, and made sure that whatever birth-control method you’re using isn’t decimating your libido, your best bet is to accept that this is just the way you work for now—you may surprise yourself when you hit your sexual peak in a
few years—and find some middle ground.
Let’s say your boyfriend wants it four times a week and you can only “get into it” once a week. I’m not going to tell you that it’s as simple as splitting the difference—have sex twice a week! everybody loses!—because that advice, which is pretty standard for couples in your situation, is fucking useless. Inevitably, sex falls back to the frequency preferred by the person with the lower libido—just the boyfriend loses!—but having been promised more sex, the higher-libido partner’s sense of resentment spikes, there are more tearful talks, and the relationship invariably ends.
Here’s what you should do instead: You commit to great sex at least once a week. He deals. But you also commit to making sure your boyfriend is well and thoroughly milked—with your cheerful assistance—at least three additional times a week. You commit to being his full-blown sex partner once a week and his life-size, ambulatory masturbatory aide at least three times a week.
How would that work? Well, let’s say you’re not up for sex on Wednesday because you had sex last Sunday. But he’s horny. So you plop your twat down on his face and let him eat you out while he beats off. It’ll take 10 minutes. Then let’s say he’s horny again on Friday, but you’re just not feeling it. So you treat him to a handjob while you rub your tits in his face. Another 10 minutes. And let’s say he wakes up horny on Saturday morning. So you sit on the edge of the bed, have him kneel between your open legs, and pull his face into your crotch while you tell him how thoroughly you’re going to fuck the shit out of him tomorrow, on Sunday, when you’re finally horny again.
As a special bonus, WWM, you may find that once the pressure is off—once you’re not expected to have or want sex but just expected to help out your horny boyfriend—your libido occasionally kicks in and you’re inspired to jump him. Or not. Either way, the pressure is off, you’re having great sex at least once a week, and he sees you making a sincere effort to keep his balls drained and him happy. Everybody wins. —Dan
I am a single, young, professional gal who likes to party until the break of dawn. This weekend, I went out with a group. One of the guys, who I liked as a friend but was not attracted to, was at first cordial. But he became aggressive on the dance floor. He kept grabbing me by the hips and pulling me closer. He seemed to think my proper response was to turn around and start humping his leg. Is there some unspoken understanding that I am unaware of that grinding on a guy’s leg on the dance floor does not mean that a girl is interested in him? Is this just the way people dance now? If so, am I a prude for not wanting to rub my genitals on a guy I have no interest in? If not, then I need help with what to say if this happens again! —Grind It Someplace Else
One of two things was going on, GISE: For fear of seeming unfriendly, you sent signals that Dancer Boy innocently mistook for mild interest, and he attempted to get things started, as the kids used to say, on the dance floor; or, Dancer Boy knew you weren’t interested but sensed that you, like many young women, were socialized to be polite and deferential to men and knowingly manipulated you into a situation that made you feel uncomfortable.
The next time someone touches you on the dance floor in a way that makes you uncomfortable, GISE, here’s what you do: no smiles, no dancing away, no polite attempts to deflect his attention. Stop dancing, make eye contact, shake your head slowly back and forth, and clearly mouth the word “NO.” Then go back to dancing in whatever manner and in whatever space and with whatever partner you choose. And if the same guy attempts to pull you onto his ass after you’ve given him the stop-stand-stare “NO,” GISE, do all women everywhere a favor and kick him in the nuts. —Dan
I am a 27-year-old hetero female. My new boyfriend is 24 and kinky. Before I met him, I had never been bound or spanked or had any kind of sex that was not “vanilla.” I have enjoyed everything we have done and I trust him. Now he wants anal sex. He has what I think is an average dick—based on the three others I’ve seen—but I’m afraid that it will be painful. Am I a big baby? —Another Needing
I order you to start having anal sex with your boyfriend immediately, ANAL. Tons of anal—but without letting your boyfriend’s cock come anywhere near your ass, ’kay?
In other words: Yes to anal, no to dick. Think tongues, lubed-up fingers, very small toys, and smooth, clean vibrators used non-insertively (which is fancy sex-advice talk for “lay the vibrator on your asshole, don’t shove it the fuck in”), not dick. If you find that you enjoy other kinds of anal sex—and you will—your boyfriend’s dick may start to look like a shiny new toy, or an enticing upgrade option, and not the intimidating asshammer that it appears to be now.
But for this to work, your boyfriend has to swear on a stack of Jack Morin’s Anal and Pleasure & Healths that he will pleasure your ass, and get you off, without attempting to rush you or pressure you into
dick-in-ass buttfucking until you decide you’re ready. —Dan
Per your column last week: When a man puts his balls in someone’s ass, it’s referred to as “putting the dog in the bathtub,” because it’s so hard to accomplish. —Kevin
It might amuse me, Kevin, if so many readers weren’t absolutely furious about the advice I gave the woman freaked out about her partner’s request to stuff his balls in her. You can read their outraged letters—and my feeble attempts to respond—at thestranger.com/savage/insertballshere. —Dan Savage
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