Bud Light Wheat

Where Spotted: Michigan Liquors, 3934 12th St. NE

Price: $7.49/six-pack

Palate Flensing: This is what I get for not buying beer until I got to the cookout in Brookland. I dragged this overpriced faux craft beer to the bulletproof window and dropped an extra five cents to buy a black bag to wear over my head. The beer tasted like seltzer with a dose of Hoegaarden extract. Everyone should drink more water during the hot summer months; you just shouldn’t have to turn to beer for it.

Less Taste, Less Filling: I owe an apology to Blue Moon, which I’ve made the butt of more jokes than the KFC Double Down. Blue Moon tastes like soap, but at least it tastes like something. B.M. must be celebrating the release of Bud Light Wheat: It’s now the second blandest beer to inexplicably cost as much as Brooklyn Lager. For beer-flavored water, I’ll stay true to Miller High Life—sweet as summer corn and priced for beer pong.