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Where Spotted: Russian Gourmet, 907 Slaters Lane, Alexandria

Price: $3.29 per .5 liter

Kapital Punishment: Tucked into a corner of Russian Gourmet, adjacent a display case of smoked kabanosy and countless other sausages, the beer shelf is like a red-light district of imbibery. “BEER CERVEZA BIER. PRODUCED IN UKRAINE.” As I scan the labels, I imagine their capitalized pitches in the accent of a Slavic street hawker. Grasping for a linguistic lifeboat, I pick up a bottle that reads: “OBOLON DEEP VELVET.” Um, sure, sounds delicious.

The Sanjaya of Beer: Somewhere in the Ukraine, a translator is cruelly misinformed about the meaning of the word “velvet.” My dictionary uses words like “soft” and “smooth,” whereas this beer has the silkiness of a fourth-place finisher on Ukrainian Idol. It’s Yuengling cut with cabbage water. On the other hand, I can say I’ve had Ukrainian beer. A good trade-off? No, but at least I netted some pierogies out of the trip.