I’m a 21-year-old woman from Canada who sleeps with other women. Two questions for you:
1. My LGBT friends and I disagree about what we girls who sleep with girls exclusively should call ourselves. Everyone else prefers “lesbian” and bitches at me for hating that word. Can’t I call myself gay?
2. I am a really kinky person: I’ve been very sexually active and into BDSM since I was 16. I have a large toy collection and many of the toys are dildos and anal plugs. I like anal a lot, but the thought of vaginal just doesn’t interest me, so I’ve never gone there. I’ve read about how breaking the hymen can hurt and—despite the fact that I enjoy being flogged and scratched—that scares me a little. Should I get over it and go to town or stick with everything else that works for me? —Good Gay Girl
1. You can call yourself whatever you like, GGG, and your friends can call themselves whatever they like. They’re entitled to their opinions, however, along with their preferred labels. Friends should be able to discuss their differing opinions and preferences without bitching and/or being so thin-skinned that a calm discussion about a sensitive subject is mistaken for bitching.
2. “Tearing the hymen doesn’t always hurt and rarely hurts with any severity,” says Debby Herbenick, sex researcher, vulva puppeteer, and coauthor (with Vanessa Schick) of Read My Lips: A Complete Guide to the Vagina and Vulva. “Going slow with a smallish, well-lubricated dildo is a good place to start, or two or three well-lubricated fingers. Doing this while highly aroused sets you up for a better experience.”
But before you explore vaginal penetration, GGG, Herbenick recommends a trip to your nearest female-friendly sex-toy shop.
“If most of your toys have been used in the anus/rectum,” says Herbenick, “it would be wise to get a new vagina toy.”
And if you’re broke?
“Then put a condom over a clean anal toy or clean a nonporous (glass, medical-grade silicone) anal toy before using it in the sensitive vagina,” says Herbenick.
While most women enjoy vaginal penetration, GGG, not all women do. (And most women who enjoy vaginal penetration require additional, focused, and intense stimulation of the clit in order to get off.) If you decide vaginal penetration isn’t for you, that’s also a preference to which you’re entitled. —Dan
I was chatting with a guy, and he mentioned that one time this girl accidentally vomited all over him during oral sex. He confessed that this turned him on. I consider myself GGG, but that is not something I’m game for. The thought of puking in a sexual scenario is completely unappealing. Does my refusal to do this revoke my GGG card? Or is this so out of the norm that I can refuse without losing my GGG card? —Pleasing Upchucking = Kinky Extremism?
Let’s revisit my original definition of GGG: “GGG stands for good, giving, and game, which is what we should all strive to be for our sex partners. Think good in bed, giving equal time and equal pleasure, and game for anything—within reason.”
Some kinksters skip past the “within reason” part of the definition when they’re discussing kinks with vanilla partners. They shouldn’t. Extreme bondage or SM, shit and puke, emotionally tricky humiliation play, demanding that your partner have sex with other people because it turns you on (asking your partner to assume all of the physical risks that go along with that, to say nothing of the emotional risks for a partner who isn’t interested in having sex with other people), etc.—all of that falls under the FTF exclusion, or a “fetish too far,” which you’ll find in the fine print on the back of your GGG card, PUKE. —Dan
I’m a 20-year-old female college student living with my 23-year-old boyfriend. We’ve been dating for two years, and our sex life has always been awesome. My boyfriend has a high libido, so high that I can’t always get him off when he wants it. He says I don’t want to have sex with him, when we have sex probably four times a week and I’m totally happy to give him head, jerk him off, or take off my clothes for him any other time he asks. Whenever we sit down together, he’s immediately horny and he gets cranky when I have to say no. Is this a ridiculously high libido? I try to be GGG, and he does the same for me, but I hate feeling guilty about not having sex with him constantly. I’ve started just telling him to masturbate to porn, and he does it willingly but usually whines a little first about how I “never” want to have sex. Totally false! My body just can’t take it every day. What do I do?—My Boyfriend Is Incredibly Horny
At two years, your boyfriend is getting vaginal intercourse four times a week, MBIIH, along with handjobs, blowjobs, and you standing there naked whenever he likes? Plus a cheerful OK to watch porn and jerk it whenever he feels the need?
You’re not trying to be GGG, MBIIH, you are GGG.
Your boyfriend doesn’t realize how good he’s got it. He isn’t lacking for sex. What he lacks is perspective. He clearly doesn’t understand or appreciate what it’s like to be on the receiving end of all that dick. Saying something like this might help him understand: “You know I love you, honey, and you know I love having sex with you. But if your hole got fucked every time we had ‘sex,’ you wouldn’t want to have ‘sex’ more than four times a week, either.” (I’m putting “sex” in quotes here because your boyfriend defines sex as “vaginal intercourse.” I do not. Oral, handjobs, and visuals-with-a-partner—all of that counts as sex.)
If that doesn’t do the trick, MBIIH, buy your boyfriend a dildo that’s roughly the same size as his dick. Then tell him he can fuck your hole whenever he wants, for as long as he wants—so long as he fucks his own hole first, while you watch, for at least 20 minutes or so. Then he can fuck yours.
That might help him appreciate how good he’s got it. —Dan
Never heard of you until a year ago.
I’m into “ball busting”—getting slapped or kicked in the nuts—but my wife was never willing. I did something stupid and saw an escort, just to get my balls busted (no sex), and my wife found out. She was talking about divorce when she told her best friend what was going on. Her friend told her to read your archives first.
You probably don’t hear this from conservative Christian Republicans in red states very often, Mr. Savage, but my sense of honor requires it of me: Thank you for saving my marriage. This “GGG” concept of yours transformed our marriage—it also led my wife to either discover or open up about her kink—and we are happier than ever. It isn’t lost on me that I have a gay man to thank for keeping us from becoming another sad divorce statistic. —Busted And Loving Life Supremely
You’re welcome, BALLS, and all I ask in return for saving your marriage—besides video—is your support for the full legal recognition of mine. Deal? —Dan Savage
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