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Not sure that even you can help with this one, but I’ll give it a shot…
My husband and I enjoy a solid, trusting BDSM relationship, and we’re both quite happy with not only our sex lives but our lives together in general. There is one issue that concerns me. Roughly twice a month, in the middle of the night, my husband will “attack” me sexually in his sleep. I use the term “attack” lightly because the moment lasts for about 30 seconds, and generally I am able to ignore it and go back to sleep. However, there are times when I become frightened by these incidents and can’t seem to “get over it” by morning. Generally, the attacks amount to my husband groping my breast painfully and aggressively, violently digitally penetrating me, attempting to penetrate me with his penis (vaginally or orally), and/or shoving me. He doesn’t ejaculate or anything, as it is a very short incident.
He is completely unaware of what he is doing when he does it, and I have been able to wake him up (when I have been lucid enough) as it is happening (if it lasts that long). He does masturbate in his sleep every so often (never to ejaculation), and so I’m figuring this is connected somehow. We have an active sex life, and he has assured me that he is not sexually dissatisfied, and I do believe him.
I have spoken to him about these incidents, and even though I try to laugh them off to hide my fear, he feels terrible about what he’s done. He is fully asleep when these incidents occur, so it’s not as if he can do anything about them. I have stopped telling him when the incidents happen because I don’t want him to feel so bad about something he can’t control. I have tried seeking advice from other places, but I am usually told to “just ignore it” or “just enjoy it.” I don’t enjoy it. I can’t ignore it. It hurts and it scares me. Should I just ignore it and enjoy it? Is this a common problem? Is there even an answer? Am I being too sensitive? —Scared Of Stiffy
“SOS’s husband has semiregular sexsomnia, a subtype of sleepwalking,” says Jesse Bering, a psychological scientist and a regular contributor to Scientific American and Slate, “and SOS is not being too sensitive.”
Bering devotes a chapter of his terrific new book—Why Is the Penis Shaped Like That? And Other Reflections on Being Human—to the phenomenon of sexsomnia.
“Involuntary sexual ‘automatisms’ occur within two hours of sleep onset, during non-REM sleep,” says Bering. “In most cases, these are harmless enough—gyrating against a pillow, vacuous masturbation. But there are also more violent and worrisome automatisms, such as those making SOS so understandably uncomfortable. In fact, there have been several high-profile rape and child-abuse cases involving sexsomnia.”
Luckily, there is an answer, SOS.
“The good news is that sexsomnia responds well to pharmaceuticals, so SOS’s husband should find a knowledgeable doctor who is willing to prescribe a low dose of one of the benzodiazepines (such as clonazepam) to take before bedtime,” says Bering.
But your husband is unlikely to get the help he needs if you continue to minimize the problem for fear of making him feel bad. Stop laughing these violent episodes off, SOS, and start telling him about every one. Explain to your husband that all this violent sleepfucking has left you feeling traumatized and that he has to see a doctor as soon as possible. Hearing that might make your husband feel terrible, SOS, but these episodes are making you feel terrible. Why shouldn’t he feel terrible about them, too? —Dan
I accidentally raped my boyfriend. What happened was I awoke to find my boyfriend rubbing up against me. After a little while, he pulled my hand, motioning for me to get on top of him to have sex, as he has done many times before. I obliged, and all was well, until he apparently woke up and pushed me off of him. I did not have any indication that he was asleep, since he was an active participant the entire time and was not lying there like a dead fish. In the morning, he expressed his displeasure about being woken up with sex. He said that he felt really violated. I apologized and explained my understanding of the situation. Now he says he feels really weird about what happened and he can’t stomach me touching him. What should I do? —Reeling After Problematic Intimate Sex Transgression
You did not rape your boyfriend.
You didn’t ask me to weigh in on whether or not you raped your boyfriend, RAPIST, but I felt obligated to toss that out there. Your boyfriend may or may not be a sexsomniac—this is just one incident—but he initiated routine (for you guys) sexual activity in his sleep, and you reciprocated. Once he woke up and you both realized what was going on, you immediately stopped. Mistakes were made, RAPIST, but no one was raped.
As for what you should do, well, I think you should dump the guilt-tripping, blame-shifting motherfucker. But if you want to keep seeing this guy, RAPIST, you need a simple way to determine whether he’s fully awake when he seems to be initiating sex in the middle of the night. Two or three hard slaps across the face might do the trick.
Jesse Bering has a kinder, gentler suggestion.
“In light of this experience, RAPIST may find herself feeling a bit gun-shy about any middle-of-the-night sex initiated by her boyfriend or any future boyfriends,” says Bering. “After all, how can she know if he’s fully awake and innocently in the mood, or just having another episode? Here’s how: She should have an agreement with her boyfriend that, from now on, he will ‘flick’ his penis a few times for her by clenching his PC (pubococcygeus) muscle on initiating nocturnal sex.”
And how will that help?
“Penile flicking is an intentional action,” explains Bering, and one that cannot be performed by a sleepfucking sexsomniac at his partner’s request. “It’s a subtle, conscious signal to assure you that you’re not dealing with a lascivious zombie.”
For more of Jesse Bering, check out his websitejessebering.com. You can follow Bering on Twitter @JesseBering. —Dan
You will no doubt get some flak for your response to the snowboarder who needs a finger up his ass in order to come. He stated that he is so ashamed of this practice that when he’s fucking a girl and wants to come, he pushes the woman’s face in a pillow to hide it. How could you let that little bit of mini-sadism pass without comment? I hope you will throw a comment in next week’s column to acknowledge it. You are normally so thorough in your replies, Dan! —Pillow Fight
You’re right, PF, I dropped the ball in that response.
BUMMED wrote that he goes “to great lengths to hide” his need for prostate stimulation, adding that he will “push [a girl’s] head in a pillow” when he fingers himself. And he was worried that the last girl he slept with must have seen him fingering himself—seen it and concluded he was gay—because she wasn’t responding to his texts.
A little addendum for BUMMED: That girl might not be returning your texts because she didn’t appreciate having her face smashed into a pillow. You can do what you like with your asshole, bro, without being an asshole. —Dan Savage
Send your Savage Love questions to firstname.lastname@example.org.