We know D.C. Get our free newsletter to stay in the know.
I’m confused about my sexuality. For many years, I thought I preferred hetero-romantic asexual relationships. Exposure to select reading material—thanks to my gender-studies classes—has me convinced I’m an asexual t-type (i.e., “top,” but I prefer not to use such connotative terms) female who is attracted to slight and feminine men. I do not want to take off my clothes or engage in oral, anal, digital, or vaginal sex. Instead, I want to design sexual situations that comely young gentlemen will consensually enter: restraints, CBT, whippings, play piercings, fisting. To make matters worse, I’ve never been in a sexual situation or romantic relationship. I am 23 years old. Extremely low self-esteem and a lack of trust in other people—especially men who are attracted to women—prevented me from reaching out to others, let alone informing a potential partner about my unusual interests. Fortunately, extensive therapy sessions have improved my self-image and willingness to take risks. Developing a romantic friendship with a potential partner is essential. I doubt I will have much luck on the internet or at munches given that so many men doubt the existence of exclusively t-type females. I also don’t fit or wish to fit the stereotypical Bettie Page–esque image of a t-type female. Dressing up in PVC and playing Mistress is not my thing. Do you have any recommended how-to guides or communities for t-type females? —Beyond Envisioning Any Solutions T-type, P.S. I’m trapped in the closet.
You should go to munches and put yourself out there on the Internet, BEAST, because in both those places/spaces you’ll meet—I promise—other t-type/Dominant women and the men who want to worship them and suffer at their hands.
Your knowledge of the BDSM/kink/fetish community seems pretty distorted—it sounds like your exposure has been limited to reading materials distributed in your gender-studies classes—but I can assure you that there are men out there, some of them slight and feminine, who not only don’t doubt the existence of exclusively t-type/Dominant females but are actively seeking them. But you’re not going to find them under the rocks in your garden or at the back of your fridge. You’re going to have to enter kinky places/spaces to meet kinky guys.
There’s another type of person in those kinky places/spaces you need to meet: mentors. It’s particularly important for someone with your interests—CBT, whippings, piercings, and fisting are not JV kinks—to meet, speak with, and be mentored by knowledgeable players. These are varsity-level kinks—they are skill sets that take time to acquire. You’re going to need instruction from people with experience before you start torturing a guy’s balls or sticking (clean and sterile) needles through the head of his cock or his nipples, BEAST, as you could do serious and lasting damage to someone if you’re winging it. Munches are your best bet for meeting the players and educators in your area who take mentorship seriously. Be open about who you are (an asexual t-type female/Dominant woman), your ideal partners (slight and feminine sub guys who are into SM, not sex), and your experience level (nonexistent). Ask about classes, don’t do anyone/anything that makes you uncomfortable, and do the reading. (Check out Greenery Press for titles on female dominance, CBT, flogging, and other varsity kinks.)
You know who else you’ll meet in the kink scene? Women who don’t fit stereotypical Bettie Page–esque images, don’t dress up in PVC, and don’t play Mistress games—but you’ll also meet women who enjoy doing all of those things, BEAST, as well as women who could take or leave Bettie Page, Mistress games, etc., but who dress up because it turns on their partners and/or attracts the kind of men/women/SOPATGS* they’re interested in restraining and torturing. When someone is indulging your thing (a slight and feminine guy is giving you his cock and balls to torture), it’s simply good manners to indulge his things (letting him call you “Mistress,” if that’s something he enjoys, or pulling on a little PVC).
And give yourself permission to grow—or to continue growing. You used to think you were one thing (a hetero-romantic asexual), and now you realize you may be another thing entirely (an asexual t-type/Dominant female who is attracted to slight and feminine men). Who knows what you’ll learn about yourself once you actually start having IRL experiences? (Also… most guys into hardcore BDSM—particularly hardcore masochists—regard CBT and whippings and piercings as sex. Not foreplay, not a substitute for sex, but sex. Something to think through before you have a slight and feminine guy’s balls in your hands: Your “victim” may experience your play as sexual even if you’re experiencing it differently, i.e., you may not feel like you’re having sex with them, BEAST, but they’re going to feel like they’re having sex with you. Is that okay with your particular flavor of/theories about asexuality?)
P.S. You’re not trapped in the closet—that door locks from the inside. You can open it whenever you’re ready. —Dan Savage
* Some other point along the gender spectrum.
I’m a foot-fetish guy who split up with my girlfriend of four years. She was into all the foot stuff, and we got into lots of other kinks. My concern is about meeting new women. I’m worried I’m not going to be able to perform for vanilla sex. I feel almost doomed to being solo unless I meet someone who is into the same stuff I am. I was able to do vanilla with my ex, but I don’t know if I can do vanilla stuff with other girls. Do you have any advice on what I can do to change my mind-set? Is it possible for me to perform vanilla activities if I am present and relaxed with a girl? —Just Asking You
You told your last girlfriend about your kink, JAY, and you can tell your next girlfriend about it. Act like it’s no big deal—“I have a thing for feet”—because… it’s no big deal. But if you’re too shy to say anything, or you’re afraid of being dumped by a girl who’s a foot-fetish-phobe (you should be in a hurry for those girls to dump you), there’s only one way to find out if you can perform vanilla activities with a new girl: Give it a try. —Dan
I had an Ashley Madison account. But I did not create “my” account. Anyone can register an account using anyone’s e-mail address, and deleting fake accounts costs money. Now my e-mail address is on a public database of AM users. People with accounts on AM are victims of the hackers, which you thankfully addressed in your last column. But members—actual and fake—were first victims of Ashley Madison. Shitty security aside, AM is a hub of extortion: no e-mail verification, pay-to-delete (not that your account is actually deleted!), and tons of fake accounts purporting to be women (to balance the real, paying accounts from men). My happily monogamish wife and I use OkCupid and FetLife, which helped us find our way to local swinger and BDSM clubs. There are websites that aren’t reliant on fake users and extortion to build and then entrap a user base. —Fuck Ashley Madison Everywhere
Thanks for sharing, FAME. —Dan