Get our free newsletter
DEAR READERS: I’m on vacation for three weeks—but you won’t be reading old columns in my absence, and you won’t be reading columns by anyone who isn’t Dan Savage. You’ll be reading new columns, all of them written by Dan Savage, none of them written by me.
Our second guest Dan Savage is 32 years old, single, and living in London. He got his professional start working in promotions at the legendary London nightclub G-A-Y. He’s now 10 years into a career in theater arts marketing and currently works for some of the West End’s biggest hit musicals. Dan has never written a sex-advice column before, but he occasionally gets angry tweets that were meant for me.
A quick word about qualifications: Advice is defined as “an opinion about what could or should be done.” We’re all entitled to our opinions—but only Dan Savage, theatrical marketing exec, is entitled to share his opinions in my column this week. Take it away, Dan! —Dan Savage
I’m an early-30s bi woman. As I have more relationships, I have started to see a pattern: I find sex much hotter when there is some degree of confusion or forbidden-ness. So relationship sex can get boring quickly. I know there’s not necessarily a good answer for why, but any suggestions on what to do about this? I want to have great sex with a partner for life! Maybe my expectations about good sex in a long-term relationship are unrealistic? I know it’s not always going to be crazy passion, but how can I sustain amazing sex in a relationship? —Passion Fades From This
A problem you and I share! The fun is in the chase, the excitement of someone new, and that first time. You may return for a second or maybe a third time—but then what or who is next? Often, this is regardless of whatever feelings may have started to develop.
For those who don’t understand, just imagine we’re talking about food. You like food. You like lots of different types of food. Right now, your favorite food is hot dogs. But you don’t want to eat that every day. Occasionally, you might want an all-you-can-eat sushi buffet.
I believe the secret to a good relationship—besides love and passion—is keeping it downright dirty! It’s about keeping that spark alive. If the fun starts to fade, spice it up with toys, games, risky locations, additional people, rubber dog masks—you can’t know what will excite you both until you give it a try! But that’s the key, that you both like it.
There are millions of people all over the world in long-term relationships that on the face of it maintain a fun and healthy sex life—can it really be that hard? Or maybe long-term relationships aren’t for you, PFFT! —Dan
I am a 65-year-old male new to gay relationships. I placed a listing on SilverDaddies and have had a LOT of responses from great young guys. I have met only one guy so far. He is 23 and says he has had only a few girlfriends and has not had any gay experiences. He is so passionate. Very oral. Long kissing sessions, and he puts his tongue EVERYWHERE. Very submissive and insatiable. Of course I use condoms. I asked him what he gets out of this. He said he gets an intensity he can’t explain over pleasing an older man that he doesn’t get from sex with a female. Being a sub makes him rock hard, and with a woman, he has to be the performer. He considers himself straight, since he is attracted only to older men and is only a bottom. In any case, he will be back at grad school soon, and I will no doubt have another partner. I have never had an STD. I don’t want to get one now. I talked to a clinic over the phone about getting the HPV vaccine, and they thought it was funny and would not do it. I will be seeing young guys who are sexually active, so I think I should be able to get this vaccine. I do not want cold sores or warts or whatever at my age.—This Old Pop
I think it’s great—if you don’t mind me saying—that in your advanced years you are able to embark on this new sexual adventure and experimentation, TOP! And you have a hot 23-year-old visiting you for regular sex—something a lot of people much younger than you would kill for!
As long as you are safe and wear a condom, you shouldn’t put too much stress on yourself regarding STIs. Maybe just don’t go around picking up boys off street corners who look like they need a good wash.
My personal opinion is this guy maybe isn’t being as honest with you as you’d have hoped. A 23-year-old straight guy, in his first homosexual encounter, being “very oral” and “only a bottom” and putting “his tongue everywhere”—that sounds to me like someone who knows what he’s doing. My experience of first times is generally a quick fumble and an even quicker ejaculation.
Regardless, he is soon to leave, TOP, and you will find a new sexual partner. Advice from a YoungTOP to an OldTOP: Go with the flow and be safe, but most of all enjoy it! (And to older gay gentlemen who think you can’t get any: TOP is! You can!) —Dan
I am 39 years old and my husband is 51. We have been together nine years and married four. This morning, he was jacking off on my arse during foreplay and watching porn on his phone, which is not unusual. The problem is when I looked to see what he was watching (we often watch porn together), he got a little mad. I let it go, but when he got in the shower, I looked at his phone and saw that he was watching gay porn. MEN. I don’t think I have a problem with that, but it kind of threw me. Should I be worried that he is secretly on the down low? Or does he just like to look at gay porn occasionally? When I’m giving him a blowjob, he also enjoys me licking his arse. I don’t know how to confront him with what I have seen on his phone? —Perspiring Over Relationship Now
People look at all sorts of things online and are turned on by others. Man-on-man porn clearly does it for your man, or maybe this was the first time that he’d looked. Either way, the fact that he was doing this secretly while humped over your naked body and jacking off onto your arse is wrong. And he knows that: He hid the phone!
Rather than confronting him and creating a massive issue, why not suggest that you watch gay porn together. See what happens? If he is hiding the fact that he’s gay or bi, I’d be surprised that he’d blatantly flaunt it like this. Perhaps he wanted you to catch him? He wants you to know what else he’s into but doesn’t know how to tell you?
Although it’s rarely spoken about, a lot of straight men like the odd finger or tongue in the bum. It’s not a sign of homosexuality! Maybe this could be taken further? You could go all out and strap one on and dominate him like a bitch! —Dan